Sound, Air, Water . . . On the Rocks

 

Like echoes bouncing off the walls of a cavern, appearances interact into one another, creating experience as a constantly shifting composite.” Tarthang Tulku, Dynamics of Time and Space

One day a while back, while switching between FM stations on my car radio, the rich texture of a cello filled the space around me. It wasn’t so much that a melody caught me up, or a rhythm had me tapping the steering wheel. It felt more like standing on the edge of a grove of trees when a strong wind is moving all the branches in unpredictable harmony. Or like standing on a rocky premonitory with waves crashing all around, surrounded by unstoppable water, cold splashes of spray and bursts of wind, as sunlight looks on from above.

Out of nowhere, a phrase appeared in my mind—“A lonely dragon sings”—and I wondered what that could possibly mean. Perhaps that it’s not our memories, or even the contagion of rhythm and melody, that allows us to be present in this living realm? Perhaps it’s only when some forgotten wondering stirs within that we can glimpse the true potential of our lives.

How amazing to be carried along in a human mind as it reverberates with an ambient, sentient aliveness. Usually this experience feels flat and tame—the dinner bell of the preordained and well-rehearsed. But sometimes our familiar surroundings can open a doorway into a mysterious realm that we don’t ordinarily notice.

Perhaps we ourselves are lonely dragons and, stuck in our own forgetting, we dismiss as mythological an ancient understanding.

Tibetan monks chant with tones intermingling in a single throat, like two hawks circling above the fields. But most of us are more like dogs howling along with a passing siren or with coyotes on a distant hilltop, our solitary voices searching for a place within a greater whole. And as we sing our own song, one note at a time, we imagine the chords in the midst of which our own isolated lives might resonate.

Perhaps we will sing in the chorus of Handel’s Messiah. Or perhaps we are dead-set on dumbing down the exuberance of life, so that nothing too inconvenient can surprise us. Then, before we know it, we are more interested in having others “sing our tune” than in adding our own voice to a chorus of shared concerns—preferring to sweep the chips off the table in life’s lottery rather than toss our coins into a wishing well of hope.

A water fall is not the “fallen” water pooled beneath, and there is a cost to living our lives in the shallows of the already happened. Time is always flowing and always manifesting an unfinished symphony in which we play our part.  And when we enter the stream of present, flowing time, the frozen walls of the preordained cannot help but melt around us. When we turn our face into the wind and hear the trees sighing in nearby yards, notice a candy wrapper crossing the street on its tumbling journey, or look up into the grey heavens as the first drops of rain reach us, we may catch ourselves already in the midst of this greater time.

As our conviction that we live in an unresponsive reality calves off its glacier of frozen certainties, we may find ourselves swimming in the midst of a vast ocean world. Whales and dolphins are waiting for us there, ready to resume a Delphic conversation about the well-being of our planet, inviting us back into harmony with the many kinds of intelligence living on Earth.

Was it a bad move to come ashore? Has humanity benefited from leaving our ancestral home, and setting up shop on the shoreline? The daily news accosts us with images of last-gasp dreams expiring in an unwelcoming world: tent cities and refugee camps clustered at the edges of politically-drawn borders; cardboard box suburbs and food lines closer to home. And worse. It seems that humanity is barely wobbling along on its own two legs.

Would our species be better off still living in the ocean: exploring its depths and experiencing directly the multidimensional space of embodied life? Was it an unfortunate blunder when our forebears became stranded at the edges of retreating coast lines? Or did our ancestors endure the pain of a grand evolutionary leap when they waddled on the stumps of stubby fins from puddle to puddle, until at last they managed to gasp a gulp of hot, dry air?

Perhaps it is still possible to pull out a win for this bold adventure, started a few million years ago, when our predecessors—who must already have been dropouts in their fishy livelihoods—embarked on their pilgrimage into an unknown world? But now we are obliged to live with the unremitting pull of gravity, so that giving up and collapsing, like fish flopping on deck, is the siren call of our days and nights. It is not an easy matter to remain upright in the bright air, barely supported by the thin medium in which we now live. No wonder we dream of flying. We still remember a time when we were able to soar upwards toward the bright heavens and plumb the dark depths below, as easily as we now turn right and left on the hard scrabble surfaces of our adopted home.

How rare and wonderful is that feeling of gliding through the medium of our lives. To be able to leap in spectacular arcs of freedom into the sunlight, with the certainty that our Mother’s arms will catch us—who among us, as an adult, lives with such confidence? Who among us would not gladly exchange the forced march of progress and the percussive tramp of invading armies for an effortless glide through realms of light, at one with a community of fellow beings flying alongside?

Humanity’s lack of care for Mother Earth gives testimony to how we have forgotten our own childhood. And forgetting where we have come from is causing us to ignore the well-being of beings who are very likely superior in important ways.

Dolphins use ultrasound to map their environment, to speak with one another, and to ‘see’ interiors that are hidden from human eyes. They have healed humans with gentle and knowing probes of bodies that are nested surfaces for us. And it may be that we are sharing this planet with beings whose use of language is able to comprehend their world, while simultaneously engaging in an intimate relationship with that world. We could learn so much from beings who don’t flounder in sound bites or mistake fake news for true understanding. Meanwhile—with our species’ all too familiar recourse to technology—SETI scans deep space for signs of extraterrestrial intelligence, while Earth’s oceans—home to a vastly different kind of mind than our own—largely escapes notice. The Hubble telescope brings the far reaches of time and space closer, but understanding how dolphins and whales view their world could expand our understanding of our home planet and empower us to question the single lane highway along which we are now racing—with no brake pedal on the floor.

When we widen our view to include the teeming biosphere in which our individual lives find their place, then the terrible isolation of being a single entity can loosen its grip.

We seem convinced that, as individuals, we are unable to affect the accelerating, global momentum that drives our lives. Yet the hope of the world still rests in our hands. When we chose to give our time and energy in ways that allow us to remain hopeful about the future, the future will lean in our direction—for the future is not a hidden stronghold but, like Portia’s mercy, the falling rain of time.

I sit with a cup of coffee and gaze out through my sunroom windows into the back yard and beyond, where east-facing branches and chimney tops are touched by early morning sunlight. Suddenly, with an unexpected abruptness, a steady rain of mulberry leaves is drifting past the windows, like huge, green snowflakes, while the world further out seems as remote from the flow of time as a still life painting. If not for the falling leaves, it could be a poster of late fall in New Mexico, snapped just after dawn.

And I wonder why the leaves are just this moment setting sail, like an armada under the command of a single admiral. Is there a clock, embodied in roots and branches and planetary tilt, which one morning announces that it’s time to pack up for winter? Does it even make sense to think of this mulberry tree as an entity able to make shifts in the flow of time? After weeks of monsoon rains pooling beneath the brown lawn, how astonishing that one morning all the leaves are setting sail at once.

I can feel my own agendas rising, with their prescriptions for my morning—do yoga, make breakfast, feed the dogs—and I wonder if, like this tree, I too am rooted in cycles of beginnings and endings, of renewals and leave-takings.

As this tree takes leave of its summer foliage, is it enacting a realization that nothing is ultimately ever lost? Is it acting out an ancient faith that spring will come again, with its new awakenings, just as this morning’s dawn has followed in the wake of last night’s sunset?

Photo by David Filippone.

Trees are so closely linked with our planet and the entire grand waltz of our solar system—their deeply rooted gestures one with the tilting of Earth’s axis, the orbiting dance of Earth, Moon, and Sun, and the circulation of water and the drifting continents—they remind us that instead of floundering in the anxieties of a self who fears the future, regrets the past, and scrambles through the present, we too can join the dance of time.

As I drift among the years of my own life—connected with a wide sweep of time, through parents and children, through the wisdom and beauty that others who have come before have left behind—I feel grateful that I have been called forth from my isolation to join this symphonic poem of beginnings and endings.

Even now, a ship’s horn is sounding dockside, announcing that it is time to slip out on today’s voyage to exotic lands. It’s not a leave-taking so much as an arrival as I run up the gang plank, turn around, and feel the deck vibrating under foot. Whether it’s a cup of coffee with a friend, a trip to Peru, or taking another breath with appreciation, I too am a leaf adrift in morning light, alive and accounted for as I wend my way back home.

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A Nightscape’s Wonder

https://pxhere.com/en/photo/1154255

Our cell phone alarms brought us loudly and abruptly to wakefulness at one o’ clock in the morning. I opened my eyes to the cool, exposed darkness of wilderness and wondered aloud whether we had even slept at all. By two o’clock, we had shuffled and groaned our way out of our sleeping bags, fumbled through the tying of our shoes and the packing of our gear, and readied ourselves for the dark, uphill journey that lay ahead.

It was August 24, 2014, and we—my dad, my brother, my boyfriend, and I—set out to summit Mount San Jacinto before dawn and see the sunrise from the peak. To accomplish this, we arrived at the base of the trail the day before and hiked in about two miles before stopping to set up camp. We spent the evening in Round Valley, a small primitive campground en route to the 10,834-foot-high peak.

By day, the visual landscape of Mount San Jacinto State Park dominates the senses. In the higher elevations, rows of steadfast pines stand among gray, granitic rocks of varying sizes. Red and green manzanita, tawny chaparral yucca, and other hardy shrubs line the park’s dusty trails. The southern Californian mountains are surrounded by lowland development, notably the sprawling desert city of Palm Springs, but on the park trails you see only wilderness. You see it, predominantly (rather than hear it or smell it), because humans are visual creatures. More of the human brain is devoted to vision than to any of the other four senses. The word landscape itself possesses a primarily visual connotation, defined by Merriam-Webster as “the land that can be seen in one glance.”

At night, though, a glance doesn’t convey as much sensory information as it does during the well-lit daytime hours. A landscape can become something else altogether, and what is lost visually may be gained through other senses or modes of perception.

On that evening in August, the moon set at 6:45 p.m., producing a particularly dark night. As we began our ascent, armed with headlamps and carefully minding each step, I began to question the motivation behind this nighttime adventure. Ostensibly, the goal was to witness the sunrise from the top of southern California’s second-highest peak. But technically that could be accomplished by hiking to the top during the day and sleeping there overnight —an excursion that would have expended the same amount of time, overall, as sleeping in Round Valley and then summiting. Exposing ourselves to the night and hiking with only the light of the stars and our headlamps to guide us felt risky and unnecessary. Without the crutch of good eyesight, could I sense danger before it was too late? Could I avoid the oncoming hungry animal, the deranged criminal, the precarious ledge? And yet, despite the risk, I felt I was embarking on a truly unique and exciting experience that I, as a hiker, had never faced before.

The benefits of wilderness hiking are easily felt, if not always well understood. Humans have maintained a close relationship with nature throughout much of their history and are arguably themselves a part of nature. (We are organic beings, after all, part of the web of all life on Earth despite our apparent dominion over it.) Though the sharp juxtaposition of urban areas like Palm Springs and wilderness areas like Mount San Jacinto State Park suggest otherwise, humans belong with nature. Proven positive effects of human-nature interaction include physical, psychological, and cognitive benefits. Natural encounters increase self-esteem and reduce anger, improve academic performance, and lower stress levels. Wilderness settings, located away from urban centers and usually set aside specifically for their aesthetic beauty and rich ecological value, offer interactions with nature in its purest form.

In addition to a connection with nature, wilderness offers a place to escape, to experience physical challenges, and to enjoy a type of solitude not often found anywhere else. As an avid hiker, these benefits were familiar to me. But hiking at night for the first time, I wasn’t sure what to expect. The wilderness is a different place at night—unfamiliar, untamed, and even scary.

Darkness often carries negative connotations and evokes fear in Western cultures. The Bible associates darkness with wickedness. Erebus, the primordial god of darkness in Greek mythology, shares his name with a gloomy region of the underworld to which mortals travel immediately after death. In some sense, our fear is justified. Studies show that the cover of darkness encourages more dishonest behavior from humans, while daylight can dissuade criminals from acting for fear of being caught. By purely physical standards, though, darkness is merely the absence of light—it is not even its own phenomenon, but is rather the vacancy of another—suggesting that it cannot be inherently wicked.

As we slowly navigated the switchbacks leading up the mountain, I thought about the nocturnal animals that I couldn’t see, but that could surely see me—animals adapted to the darkness in ways far beyond my human abilities. Research implies that humans fear darkness because we are a species accustomed to daytime activity, but that nocturnal creatures—including the deer mice and great-horned owls that I imagined were watching us—fear daylight more than darkness. Fear, it seems, stems in part from that which we aren’t used to or aren’t adapted to, and not from the darkness itself.

That night, I found no harm in the darkness. Instead, I found the same familiar aspects of wilderness experiences, amplified or altered by the absence of light. Night hiking not only offers, but also intensifies the opportunities for escape, solitude, and new and challenging physical experiences sought by park visitors. For me it uncovered a whole new world, not a landscape, but a nightscape, previously unexplored.

At night, vision is no longer our most relevant sense. We used our eyes mainly to track our feet on their journey upwards, and occasionally to marvel at the stars above us. More striking than sight was sound—both its presence and its absence. Although scientists have demonstrated that mice deprived of vision for a week can develop enhanced sound processing abilities, it isn’t likely that short periods of darkness actually enhance a person’s sense of sound. Rather, the lack of typical daytime noises and visual stimulation leads to fewer distractions, so you can focus more on the sound around you, or on the lack thereof.

As we ascended, I was especially conscious of the sound my feet made each time they contacted the earth, of the constant rustling of my clothes as I moved, of my strained breathing, and of the duplicate sounds made by those around me. The stillness of the night brought a silence not attainable in the daytime, broken only by the occasional roaring of the wind through the pine needles above us.

The darkness of nighttime brought a sense of wonder and novelty to our journey. As our visual world shrank, our auditory world expanded. The stillness and solitude of the night provoked reflection on the environment around us. The challenge of navigating the trail in low light heightened our concentration and our mental state. The world became a conglomeration of sounds, feelings, and mysteries.

Photo by Kathryn Francis

We hiked for three hours in the dark, reaching the peak just after astronomical twilight—the first hint of light in the night sky following the period of absolute darkness. We watched as layers of color spread across the horizon beyond Palm Springs, a city of lights among the darkness far below us. First orange, then yellow, then a delicate blue mingled with the black sky. We watched as the light overtook both the stars above and the city lights below, illuminating the sprawling, sleepy desert metropolis. The sun emerged completely above the horizon just after six in the morning. Despite these gloriously stunning visual effects, as I looked out over the urban sprawl lighting up below me, I felt the night’s stillness and wonder slipping away.

Ahead of me lay a landscape, a thing of visual beauty. But behind me lay a nightscape—challenging, stimulating, new. A thing not of visual beauty, but of heightened perception and uncertainty. The sunrise we had come so far to see did not disappoint, but equally marvelous to me was the dark world we experienced along the way.

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Where Did the West Go?

The road stretched straight and flat before me, like you’d see in a sports car commercial or a Dennis Hopper movie. On either side, the land spread wide and open. Not quite flat—with a bit of a roll here and there—dotted with juniper and other unidentifiable desert shrubs. I had been traveling out West for almost six weeks since leaving my home in West Virginia, staying with friends in Albuquerque, visiting National Parks with my husband John, and searching for someplace in this vast region that I could call home. I spent Christmas at the Grand Canyon, celebrated the New Year in Joshua Tree National Park, and camped for two cold nights in the Mojave Desert. But nothing had felt like the real West until then—that moment on the long drive from Albuquerque to Roswell, New Mexico (don’t ask) when I looked around and saw…nothing. Or rather, no one.

Don’t get me wrong—I love the National Parks. In fact, as we jostled for position at the South Rim overlooks on Christmas Day among the Asian, European, Latino, and other tourists, I confessed to John that America’s National Parks are what I’m most proud of about our country. Make America great again? It already is. It always was. All we did was have the smarts not to mess parts of it up. Parts of it.

Since then, I had been searching through northern Arizona and New Mexico in a borrowed Fiat and obsessively Googling communities in Colorado, Idaho, Utah, and Nevada. My goal? Find a nice small town with a nice small house where John and I could plant our not-so-nice small footprints and spend our weekends traipsing through wildlands. When I looked at a map and saw all that glorious green National Forest and parkland surrounding western communities, I figured somewhere out there was a town for us. But as I explored those potential sites on the ground, I found mostly strip malls or ghost towns—chain stores or boarded-up buildings. Other places looked promising, but the specter of future fracking or the legacy of past mining cautioned me away. With the Trump Administration promising more fossil fuel drilling and less environmental oversight, my misgivings grew.

I was getting discouraged. Where was the West I remembered? I had gotten my first taste of it decades ago, standing on the edge of the Beaver Rim in central Wyoming. Until then, I had spent all of my twenty-five years on the East Coast. Eastern deciduous forest and Atlantic surf were my natural habitats. But that summer, as I looked out over the breathtaking emptiness of basin and range, I felt an awe that I never could have imagined. Now, with a few more bumpy miles on my body’s odometer, I wanted to feel that again.

In 2016, the Center for American Progress, in conjunction with the consulting group Conservation Science Partners, released a report showing that between 2001 and 2011, the American West lost a football field’s worth of natural area to human development every two and a half minutes. Because of urban sprawl, energy and mineral development, roads and transmission lines, the landscape that inspired me so long ago has become more and more elusive.

Somehow, on that lonely drive to Roswell, among the desolate plains of eastern New Mexico, I found my awe again. The land surrounding me wasn’t famous for its scenery or valued for its minerals or preserved for posterity. It was forgotten—except, I suspect, by the ranchers who somehow make their living from sparsely scattered herds grazing over a vast parched landscape that can’t handle many head. I saw a few cattle here and there, an occasional car on the highway, and a mystical island of snow-covered mountains off in the distance.

Photo by Amy Mathews Amos.

Maybe that’s the answer, I thought. Find the forgotten places. Soak in the vastness of a western universe without fast food, souvenir shops, drill rigs, or parking lots by going where no one else will go. Fill the soul with a satisfying emptiness that few can find on Earth these days.

But as I finished my drive, reality hit. Forgotten places can get pretty lonely. No friends to dine with, no community to embrace, no airport to whisk me off when work demands my presence. Best to find the forgotten places on foot, with a pack on the back and a burning need in the belly.

My search for a new home continues. I’m beginning to suspect that wherever I land might not be awe-inspiring. But at least I know that, for now, some of those forgotten places still exist. That emptiness matters. And I know that, if I explore far enough, I can capture that breathtaking feeling of vast wildness once again, alone in the middle of nowhere.

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Photo at the top courtesy of John Amos.