Tag: Narrative

No one will love us until we love ourselves

 

You can’t touch it, but it affects how you feel. You can’t see it, but it’s there when you look in the mirror. You can’t hear it, but it’s there when you talk or think about yourself. 

Self-image: one’s concept of oneself; our self-perception, whether we see ourselves as positive or negative or how we project ourselves to other people.

Self-worth: value of an individual regardless of opinion of others.

Esteem: someone or something is important, special or valuable.[i]

Self-esteem, according to Nathanial Branden in his book, The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem (1994) is the confidence in our ability to think and cope with the basic challenges of life. The two components of self-esteem are personal competence and personal worth. In other words, self-esteem is the sum of self-confidence and self-respect. Carl Rogers, humanistic psychologist, believed “every human being, with no exception, for the mere fact to be it, is worthy of unconditional respect of everybody else, he deserves to esteem himself and to be esteemed.”[ii]

What can we do to raise our self-esteem? We can practice living consciously and purposefully; we can practice self-responsibility, self-assertiveness, and increase our personal integrity.

 

The worst loneliness is to not be comfortable with yourself. – Mark Twain

 

Abraham Maslow included self-esteem in his hierarchy of human needs. He felt that “the ability to feel self-esteem and personal uniqueness sprang from being loved and embraced by families and communities. As individuals, we naturally wish to excel or be exceptional, to be noticed for our unique talents and capabilities. Once one has some measure of self-esteem and confidence, one gains the psychological freedom to be creative and to grow as well as to be more generous to others.”[iii]

In her article “My Mother, Learning to Live,” Amity Gaige says, “Self-esteem comes quietly, like the truth.”[iv]

 

No one can make you feel inferior without your consent — Eleanor Roosevelt

 

Self-esteem is deeply connected to the body; when we feel disconnected from our bodies, it can take a toll on our self-esteem. But the act of writing brings us back into our bodies. Through this re-connection we can improve our self-esteem. Write about a time when your body and mind felt integrated. Write about a situation in which you were esteemed. 

Self-acceptance: a refusal to deny or disown any aspect of the self: our thoughts, emotions, memories, physical attributes, sub-personalities, or actions. Self-acceptance is the refusal to be in an adversarial relationship to your own experience. It is the foundation of all growth and change. It is the courage to be for ourselves. The level of our self-esteem cannot be higher than the level of our self-acceptance.[v]

Is self-esteem self-acknowledgement, recognizing and accepting who you really are? Is this the same or different than self-love?

 

Writing and Self-Esteem

Reading other people’s work will help you learn how to read like a writer and appreciate well-written material. Writing every day will help you practice honing your craft. Gaining confidence comes with the practice of writing. How do you reward yourself for a piece well-written? Write your writing manifesto.

Self-esteem and confidence go hand-in-hand. Confidence in your writing is gained by writing regularly, reading widely, and learning the craft. Write a dialogue with self-doubt or your inner critic. How can you better handle rejection? Describe the feeling of knowing when your work is worthy of submitting to a certain publication. What do you feel in your body when you know others value your work? Write about the ups and downs of writing and overcoming the fear of not being a good writer. Write about rejection or criticism and how they affect your self-confidence, esteem, and ability to believe in yourself as a writer.

Affirmations also rebuild self-confidence. Create an affirmation about believing in yourself. Concentrate on what and how you write well. Write a gratitude list of your writing accomplishments. This doesn’t have to be about publications. This can include anything from having a creative mind and a working computer, to being well-organized and writing for 10 minutes each day.

Writing body narrative is an action you can take to be an active force in your own life. No one can write your story but you.

 

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[i] “The Story on Self-Esteem” Retrieved January 29, 2014 from http://kidshealth.org/kid/feeling/emotion/self_esteem.html

[ii] Branden, N. (1994). The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. New York: Bantam Books.

[iii] Malsow. A. (1987). Motivation and Personality. (3^rd edition). New York, New York, Harper & Row. pp. 21-22.

[iv] Gaige, A. (n.d.). My Mother, Learning to Live. Retrieved January 29, 2014 from http://www.oprah.com/omagazine/Amity-Gaige-on-Self-Esteem

[v] Branden, N. (1994). The Six Pillars of Self-Esteem. New York: Bantam Books.

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Debbie spent 30 years as a registered nurse. She became a certified applied poetry facilitator and journal-writing instructor in 2007. She is currently a student in the Johns Hopkins Science-Medical Writing program. Her publications have appeared in Journal of Poetry Therapy, Studies in Writing: Research on Writing Approaches in Mental Health, Women on Poetry: Tips on Writing, Teaching and Publishing by Successful Women, Statement CLAS Journal, The Journal of the Colorado Language Arts Society, and Red Earth Review.

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A person will sometimes devote all his life to the development of one part of his body –the wishbone.  –Robert Frost 

 

Our bodies respond to our thoughts, emotions, and our inner spirit. In this  column you will be asked to dialogue with your body and explore what your body has to say to you. 

 

The body never lies. The body says what words cannot. –Martha Graham 

 

If we listen to our body’s language, we may learn that a stiff shoulder carries the weight of our stress, or that a locked jaw holds unspoken words. Listening and appreciating our body’s knowledge is essential to a healthy relationship with our body, and just by extension our writing and our voice.

Dialoguing with our body (body parts, your body’s capabilities, your inner healer) will facilitate your awareness and connection within yourself to your body. For example, if you don’t like how your thighs look, think about their strength, their power, the way they can wrap themselves around a lover. If you’re not happy with the shape of your nose, think about all the amazing aromas it allows you to enjoy. Let these grateful acknowledgements become seeds for you to express love for your whole body, in all its imperfect glory.[i] In writing about your body, write about any messages recieved, behaviors or patterns observed. Feel free to draw a symbolic image of any message(s).

A poem to inspire you to dialogue with your body:

 

“Praise What Comes”

Jeanne Lohmann

 

Praise what comes

Surprising as unplanned kisses, all you haven’t deserved

of days of solitude, your body’s immoderate good health

that lets you work in many kinds of weather. Praise

 

talk with just about anyone. And quiet intervals, books

that are your food and your hunger; nightfall and walks

before sleep…

 

…the jumping-off places between fear and

possibility, at the ragged edges of pain,

did I catch the smallest glimpse of the holy? (lines 1-6, 13-15)

 

Adrienne Rich’s beginnings as a poet can be traced back to a forgotten moment in childhood when, as she says, describing what is in effect a Lacanian entrance into the Symbolic, “my mother’s feminine sensuousness, the reality of her body began to give way for me to the charisma of my father’s assertive mind and temperament…and he began teaching me to read”[ii] What does it feel like in your body to jump between fear and possibility?

In her book, Women’s Bodies, Women’s Wisdom, Dr. Christiane Northrup instructs her patients to ask what their bodies are trying to tell them and write about it in their journals. One woman asked her pelvis what wisdom it was trying to express through her fibroid and heavy menstrual bleeding. She waited for several days until her body responded, “Your periods are symbolic of the way you give yourself away too freely. The heavy bleeding represents your own life’s blood draining away.”

Have a conversation with your body—features you particularly love, gratitude for your body’s capabilities. Think about a friend –the good, the awful, the hilarious. Dialogue with your body as if it were your best friend.  Think about the part of your body you’ve treated poorly, judged, or were reluctant to embrace. Write a letter to that part of your body. Add some humor.

What does your writing say about how you relate to your body? Your attitudes and feelings towards your body? What does your body most need?

The following exercises may help you get started with having a conversation about/with your body.

Exercise 1: Dialogue with, a body organ or part; your voice, your goddess, inner healer, or sage. Alternate your name with the name of who or what you want to dialogue with. Give yourself plenty of time.  

Exercise 2: For further exploration of dialoguing with the body, feel free to also consider dialoguing with an emotion, whether it is present or absent: anger, hate, or rage, love, sadness, pain, guilt, fear or with survival, attitude, vulnerability, belonging, security, being grounded, boundaries, taking risks, a shadow world, your authentic self. What do each of these things feel like in your body?

You can also write about specifics: such as muscular legs, holding hands, a tanned back, perfume and heels, boots and belts, straps and hooks, body art, body fluids or the naked truth.

Summary exercise: When you feel the dialogue is complete, ask, “Is there anything more?” Trust the process. Acknowledge what you are grateful for.

One puts down the first line…in trust that life and language are abundant enough to complete it.

Wendell Berry 

To fully connect with the skin you live in now, you may want to blindfold yourself and touch your elbows, your heels, your hips, your face. Taking the visual element out of the equation often helps us feel things with more openness and clarity. Write about what your fingertips discover[i]

Brenda Ueland, in her book If You Want to Write, says “You must feel when you write…You must disentangle all thoughts. You must disconnect all shackles, weights, obligations, all duties….”[ii]

Stretch your body, then get comfortable in a sitting position. Notice what is going on within you.

Beginning with the time you were a toddler, then growing older—whichever years you wish to explore, try to recall/express the embodied experience of being these various ages. What did it feel like to live inside your skin at these different ages?[iii]

 

If you get stuck, consider the following:

 

• What did your hands feel like at five? At thirty? At fifty?
• How have your knees changed?
• Your feet?
• Your hair?
• What shifts have taken place on your face? What has stayed the same?
• What name would you give each decade? What image or metaphor would you use to talk about your body?

With each passing decade, describe your body’s internal wear and tear. How has it weathered the ride? 

“It takes courage to grow

up and turn out to be

who you really are.”

–e.e. Cummings

Eugene Gendlin, philosopher and psychologist, writes: “A felt sense is the body’s sense of a particular….situation…It is a body-sense of meaning.”[iv] The next series of questions will ask you to dwell in life experiences that gave you a felt sense of meaning.

What were some of your epiphanies about your body? Who were wise people in your life when you had questions or needed guidance on body issues? What did they reveal to you? How did this influence your life?

When we bring awareness to our bodies, we bring new life, our own life, into our writing[v] Pay attention to the position your body is in right now. Where are your hands? How does your scalp feel right now? Your belly? How is your body responding to reading my words—do you feel any hesitation bunched in your shoulders, maybe some anticipation sizzling in your chest? Do you want to sigh?

 

To occupy your body is to occupy your life. The body is everything in a way.

Jacob Needleman

 

Reflect on your present physical condition. Think about the way you walk, your posture and how you hold yourself erect, the soft hiss of your breath as it flows in and out, the sound of your voice, the shape of your hands. Allow yourself to accept your body, your beauty, your identity, at this age, in this moment, realistically and compassionately.

 

Everybody has a part of her body that she doesn’t like, but I’ve stopped complaining about mine because I don’t want to critique nature’s handiwork…My job is simply to allow the light to shine out of the masterpiece.

Alfre Woodard

 

Your body is remarkable and the foundation of your greatness.

 

The Bodies of Grownups

Janet Morley

 

The bodies of grownups

come with stretchmarks and scars,

faces that have been lived in,

relaxed breast and bellies

backs that give trouble,

and well-worn feet:

flesh that is particular,

and obviously mortal.

They also come

with bruises they can’t forget,

and each of them

a company of lovers in their soul

who will not return

and cannot be erased.

And yet I think there is a flood of beauty

Beyond the smoothness of youth;

and my heart aches for that grace of longing

that flows through our bodies

no longer straining to be innocent

by yearning for redemption

 

In pondering about your grownup body, think about your favorite feature(s). What part of your body do you absolutely love? Your belly button? Your ankles? The little crease beneath your bottom lip? Write an ode that celebrates the part of your body you appreciate most. Be elaborate with your praise! 

Jessica Lovejoy, body positive advocate and writer, encourages you to thank your body each day. Thank your strong, powerful legs for the many miles they have carried you since you learned how to use them. Thank those arms as strong as tree boughs that have carried, hugged, held and loved. Thank those shoulders who have held the weight of the world. Thank your eyes for all they have seen over the years, the good and the bad, and everything that has come your way.[vi] How is your body aging?

 

Each individual’s body demands to be accepted on its own terms.

Gloria Steinem

 

Now that you’ve sung praises to your favorite feature, write a love poem or a letter to your entire body. Every inch of our bodies deserves our love.

 

To love yourself as you are is a miracle, and to seek yourself is to have found yourself, for now. And now is all we have, and love is who we are.

Anne Lamott