Drunk History: The Collection

Sure, pyrotechnics are nice, and a brilliant use for gunpowder. But to properly celebrate our Nation’s Independence Day, one needs nothing more than some Founding Fathers and large, unhealthy amounts of booze.

No one saw this more clearly than Derek Waters, who got his friends completely drunk to better interpret the nuances of our country’s birth. To travel back, we must go through F.O.D., or Funny Or Die, the comedy site co-created by the honorable Will Ferrell, who may save our country yet (we here have great hopes for Willy, and are grateful that he should rise up and lead the Rescue Party).

As tribute to our ideals and our livers, Moon Milk Review has collected the entire Drunken History series, to date. It will ease the hangover of this grand experiment, and make you want to drink again. Or not.

_

Drunk History Vol. VI: Tesla and Edison

John C. Reilly plays Nikola Tesla, father of Western Technology and “Electric Jesus,” who battles passively against Thomas Edison, played solemnly by Crispin Glover. Derek Waters, a six pack of beer and a bottle of absinthe present: Drunk History Vol. 6.

”I am inventing electricity and you look like an asshole.”  –Nikola Tesla, as retold by a sometimes vomiting Duncan Trussell

 

_

Drunk History Vol. V: Abe Lincoln and Frederick Douglass

Fredrick Douglass, played by ladies man Don Cheadle, befriends Abe Lincoln, played by eternal optimist Will Ferrell, and teaches him some manners. As a result, our entire nation was freed. Why? Because—

“Lincoln wasn’t a douche-bag.” –Jen Kirkman and two bottles of wine

_

Drunk History Vol. IV: Harrison, 9th President

The little-known story of William Henry Harrison, as played by Paul Schneider, while channeling Steve Martin. How our ninth president, 68 years old, died after 30 days in office as a result of bluster and malpractice. The moral? “Don’t elect an old guy.”

“I need to show the people I am a strong dude.”
––William Henry Harrison

“These snakes will make you all better.”
––Harrison’s doctors, as retold by J.D. Ryznar, vodka, and beer, on Mother’s day


_

Drunk History Vol. III: Oney Judge and George Washington

Oney Judge was a slave to George and Martha Washington. She escaped, and Washington, played by Danny Mcbride, was kind of a dick about it. Of course, they blamed the French. Oney had to take refuge in the woods for 30 years, but she and her children lived free.

“What the fuck, we gave this girl the best life we could. What the fuck.”  – George and Martha Washington

“I have no regrets, because my freedom doesn’t come from the government. My freedom comes from God.” –Jen Kirkman, passionately honoring Oney, despite hiccups from a bottle and a half of wine

_ 

Drunk History Vol. 2.5: Franklin’s Favorite Pastime  

Benjamin Franklin, played by Jack Black, is quite the politician when it comes to the bedroom. He campaigns relentlessly for his friend’s wife.

“Ben Franklin liked to fuck.” –Eric Falconer, Benjamin Franklin expert, and more vodka cranberries

_

Drunk History Vol. II: Franklin, Electricity, and the Bastard Son

Jack Black plays a mean Ben Franklin; watch his controversial parenting techniques as he discovers electricity, aided by William Franklin, his bastard son.

“William, you are my bastard son. Get a kite.”
–Benjamin Franklin

“William Franklin was a dick.” –Eric Falconer, some vomit, and 8 vodka cranberries

_

Drunk History Vol. I:  Alexander Hamilton Duels Aaron Burr

During the third presidency of our nation, a dark triangle formed between Alexander Hamilton, Aaron Burr, and Thomas Jefferson. There could be only one. Or two.  Michael Cera plays a convincing Alexander Hamilton, during his doomed duel with Aaron Burr. Gagliardi, with a bucket nearby, after a bottle of scotch, making drunk history.

“Hey, you’re giving me shit. We gotta duel.”
–Aaron Burr

“I’m too drunk to keep going. But Hamilton won, even though he was killed.” –Mark Gagliardi, bucket nearby, after a bottle of scotch, making drunk history

 

 


Gabriela Romeri is an editor for ICF International (formerly, Macro International), working mainly in the field of humanitarian research. She has written for local rags and trade journals in the MD, DE and DC area, and is right now finishing an M.A. in creative writing and literature at Johns Hopkins and an M.F.A. in screenwriting and film studies at Hollins U. You can find her fiction in the most recent riverbabble and upcoming in Gargoyle Magazine. Ms. Romeri is a neurotic political junkie who hopes to change the world, but may have to settle for taking her meds.


A Little Sweetness in the Noonday Light

The June day a perfect honeycomb. Air thick and gold as honey. On the tables at the Honeycomb Café, blue linens, vases of ginger lilies. Honeydew melon in green bowls.

On shelves and counters, jars of honey: clover, buckwheat, tupelo. Honey from meadows in Spain. Mayhaw jelly with port wine. Through them all the gold, radiant air pours the light of early summer.

Next to a long window is a piano shaded by potted palms. A man sits playing old songs, love songs from the twenties, the thirties, the forties. Sweet, just like sugar candy….

Copper stairs lead up to a little room that overlooks a street shaded by plane trees — here called buttonwood trees — and lilac bushes. On the walls of this room, the gallery, photographs of bees, beehives, clover blossoms. Paintings of long fields of flowers visited by bees.

A dark-haired woman sits in the gallery drinking strawberry tea and reading a college yearbook called The Beehive.

A man comes in. He is tall and fair, his eyes are a dazzling blue. He looks at the woman. She looks at him. He sits down at the table across from her. She goes on turning the pages of the yearbook, smiling to herself now and then as she reads the autographs written by her classmates long ago. She knows the man is watching her. She tries not to look at him. He comes over to her table and asks to borrow the jar of honey she is using to sweeten her tea. She smiles and says, “Yes, of course.”

“Thank you,” the man says. Then, so softly she can hardly hear him, “You are so lovely.”

Then he takes the honey and sits down at his table again. She pretends to be absorbed in her book of memories.

Piano music floats up from below. The pianist begins to sing,

He’s sweet, just like sugar candy,

And just like honey from a bee.

She thinks of the words for honeymoon in various languages: lune de miel, luna de miel, luna di miele. Luna, luna. A town in New Mexico called Tres Lunas.

She remembers a river, morning spreading like honey across the water. She thinks of the river that flows through Tres Lunas.

After a little while she looks at her watch, then closes her yearbook and glances at the man. He is still watching her. She smiles, murmurs “Good-bye,” and walks slowly down the copper stairs.

The song goes on.

Oh, I’m just wild about Harry,

and Harry’s wild about me.

A week goes by. A hard rain ended an hour ago, but raindrops still bead on the lilacs.

The tall, fair man and a woman with honey-yellow hair walk into the Honeycomb Café. The dark woman walks in behind them, keeping a careful distance. She sees them climb the copper stairs, sit down at a table in a shadowy corner. She follows them and chooses a table under a southern window. She hears the woman talking, and sees the man listening.

The sun is bright now. Phoebe and mavis sing in the plane trees. Bees gather around the last, late lilac blooms.

The man steals glances at the dark woman. The woman with yellow hair tells him something about the hard rain that fell earlier that morning in the town of three moons.

The dark woman begins to look at an astronomy magazine. She tries to read about high summer on the moons of Neptune. She thinks the man’s eyes are like the blue fires of distant planets.

His wife, she whispers to herself.

Grackles land in the buttonwood trees.

The same pianist is there, still singing.

Sweet, just like sugar candy…

In the silence after the music stops, only the soft voice of the woman with yellow hair. 

 

Jeanne Shannon writes in Albuquerque, New Mexico.