Sure, pyrotechnics are nice, and a brilliant use for gunpowder. But to properly celebrate our Nation’s Independence Day, one needs nothing more than some Founding Fathers and large, unhealthy amounts of booze.
No one saw this more clearly than Derek Waters, who got his friends completely drunk to better interpret the nuances of our country’s birth. To travel back, we must go through F.O.D., or Funny Or Die, the comedy site co-created by the honorable Will Ferrell, who may save our country yet (we here have great hopes for Willy, and are grateful that he should rise up and lead the Rescue Party).
As tribute to our ideals and our livers, Moon Milk Review has collected the entire Drunken History series, to date. It will ease the hangover of this grand experiment, and make you want to drink again. Or not.
John C. Reilly plays Nikola Tesla, father of Western Technology and “Electric Jesus,” who battles passively against Thomas Edison, played solemnly by Crispin Glover. Derek Waters, a six pack of beer and a bottle of absinthe present: Drunk History Vol. 6.
”I am inventing electricity and you look like an asshole.” –Nikola Tesla, as retold by a sometimes vomiting Duncan Trussell
Fredrick Douglass, played by ladies man Don Cheadle, befriends Abe Lincoln, played by eternal optimist Will Ferrell, and teaches him some manners. As a result, our entire nation was freed. Why? Because—
“Lincoln wasn’t a douche-bag.” –Jen Kirkman and two bottles of wine
The little-known story of William Henry Harrison, as played by Paul Schneider, while channeling Steve Martin. How our ninth president, 68 years old, died after 30 days in office as a result of bluster and malpractice. The moral? “Don’t elect an old guy.”
“I need to show the people I am a strong dude.”
––William Henry Harrison
“These snakes will make you all better.”
––Harrison’s doctors, as retold by J.D. Ryznar, vodka, and beer, on Mother’s day
Oney Judge was a slave to George and Martha Washington. She escaped, and Washington, played by Danny Mcbride, was kind of a dick about it. Of course, they blamed the French. Oney had to take refuge in the woods for 30 years, but she and her children lived free.
“What the fuck, we gave this girl the best life we could. What the fuck.” – George and Martha Washington
“I have no regrets, because my freedom doesn’t come from the government. My freedom comes from God.” –Jen Kirkman, passionately honoring Oney, despite hiccups from a bottle and a half of wine
Benjamin Franklin, played by Jack Black, is quite the politician when it comes to the bedroom. He campaigns relentlessly for his friend’s wife.
“Ben Franklin liked to fuck.” –Eric Falconer, Benjamin Franklin expert, and more vodka cranberries
Jack Black plays a mean Ben Franklin; watch his controversial parenting techniques as he discovers electricity, aided by William Franklin, his bastard son.
“William, you are my bastard son. Get a kite.”
“William Franklin was a dick.” –Eric Falconer, some vomit, and 8 vodka cranberries
During the third presidency of our nation, a dark triangle formed between Alexander Hamilton, Aaron Burr, and Thomas Jefferson. There could be only one. Or two. Michael Cera plays a convincing Alexander Hamilton, during his doomed duel with Aaron Burr. Gagliardi, with a bucket nearby, after a bottle of scotch, making drunk history.
“Hey, you’re giving me shit. We gotta duel.”
“I’m too drunk to keep going. But Hamilton won, even though he was killed.” –Mark Gagliardi, bucket nearby, after a bottle of scotch, making drunk history
Gabriela Romeri is an editor for ICF International (formerly, Macro International), working mainly in the field of humanitarian research. She has written for local rags and trade journals in the MD, DE and DC area, and is right now finishing an M.A. in creative writing and literature at Johns Hopkins and an M.F.A. in screenwriting and film studies at Hollins U. You can find her fiction in the most recent riverbabble and upcoming in Gargoyle Magazine. Ms. Romeri is a neurotic political junkie who hopes to change the world, but may have to settle for taking her meds.