Body Narrative: Vulnerability

vulnerability column image

 

Have you ever worked on a story that you knew was tied into another story: one you didn’t want to write. One you have never wanted to write.

And then you wrote it.

Ultimately, it was the most vulnerable writing you’ve ever done.

The reward: Intuitive knowledge. Vulnerability. Writing that came from your body. Connecting seemingly disparate events.

Then you gave your story to an editor to line edit, only to have her do developmental editing, pulling your weaved stories apart. You clearly didn’t get what you asked for or thought you were going to get. Then you read comments, “I so love what you’ve done so far…your voice is wonderful. The images are strong; the emotions (realism) are powerful. I recommend starting here and going forward.” Maybe it’s not so strange that this scenario happened to me while writing this column. We’ve all been there.

Think about the last work-shopping group you were in or the last time a friend read your latest chapter or essay. We know we have to connect with ourselves when we write, but then we also have to learn to not take responses to our writing as personal. It’s most important to stay true to self, have your voice appear on every page, and continue to learn the craft and cultivate our writing skills, all while staying connected to our body.

Intellectually I know to feel is to be vulnerable.[i] Being vulnerable is a necessary part of opening to love and passion.[ii] And being vulnerable is, paradoxically, a type of strength. To be a good writer, to write what needed to be written, to tell the story I wanted to tell, I couldn’t escape vulnerability.

Owning our story can be hard but not nearly as difficult as spending our lives running from it. Embracing our vulnerabilities is risky but not nearly as dangerous as giving up on love and belonging and joy—the experiences that make us the most vulnerable. Only when we are brave enough to explore the darkness will we discover the infinite power of our light. Brené Brown

Brene Brown defines vulnerability as uncertainty, risk, and emotional exposure. To make real connection we have to be willing to open up. We have to allow ourselves to be seen. This is also true in our writing. Our writing can’t escape vulnerability if we commit to it on the page. The more we work on our connection with our bodies, the more vulnerable we can be in our writing. This is true both ways.

Perhaps learning the body, the science of it, the mechanics, is akin to the psychological quest to hold the dark places open, look into them, deprive them of their power. If I understand the ways in which a body can fail, will the dark places lose their fearfulness? Or, if I understand all the ways bodies fail, the myriad of ways in which we are frail and given to mechanical meltdown, facing my own physical breakdown won’t feel so lonely. So terrifyingly alone[iii] (Zwartjes, p. 25).

The thing about vulnerability is that we often aren’t self-aware enough to navigate vulnerability, even if we are self-aware enough to know that we’re vulnerable. We can develop self-awareness by committing to a practice of mindful writing exercises that help us connect with our body and its vulnerabilities.

Exercise 1: Find a quiet place, lie flat or sit cross-legged and close your eyes. Scan your body. Locate points of tension. Consider why they are tight, then describe via writing.

Initially when I was writing my story I was tense, totally guarded. I noticed my shoulders were up by my ears. Turning my head from side to side alleviated the tightness in my neck. I found the courage to open up after setting intention to tell truths, especially the uncomfortable ones. It was a risk. It was awkward. I was scared. Somehow I was able to write through the tension.

Exercise 2: Describe a time when you felt guarded in a social situation. What did your body do? Where was it tense? Describe a time when you were open to a new idea, different perspective. How did your body receive this openness?

Exercise 3: Write about a time you dropped the invisible armor that shielded your heart and let the love of others penetrate you. Describe a time when your body felt fully relaxed. What physical sensations were you aware of? What/who was surrounding you?

 

There can be no vulnerability without risk;

There can be no community without vulnerability;

There can be no peace, and ultimately

No life, without community. – M. Scott Peck

 

We can reflect on our experiences and explore more deeply our physical body and vulnerabilities in our writing.

 

When we were children, we used to think that when we were grown up we would no longer be vulnerable. But to grow up is to accept vulnerability. To be alive is to be vulnerable. 

Madeleine L’Engle

 

How does vulnerability feel? For me, it is uncomfortable and uncertain. Vulnerability was where courage and fear met in my weaved stories.

Only you can write your stories. Be patient and kind with yourself.

 

The strongest love is the love that can demonstrate its fragility -Paulo Coelho

 

Exercise 4: Write about your softer, more receptive side.

Exercise 5: Describe a time you took an emotional risk or felt emotionally exposed. Write about a time you were willing to place your private and innermost workings in another’s hands. (For example, a time of sexual desire, self-disclosure, standing up for yourself). Write about the vulnerability of your flesh (initiating sex, exercising in public). Write about how you are worthy of connection to your body.

Vulnerability is based on mutuality and requires boundaries and trust. Vulnerability is another way of saying; “I trust you and I feel safe with you.”[iv] Writing with an ongoing connection between our body and ourselves is something that we can nurture and grow. Trusting your body is about trusting yourself. Writers trust their audience. For a reader to place trust in your hands is humbling.

 

We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness and affection.

 

Exercise 6: What are you most afraid of when you write? Write for ten minutes after reading this quote from Brene Brown: “The one thing that keeps us out of connection is our fear that we’re not worthy of love and belonging.”

Sometimes it’s awkward to write openly about certain issues, but if we do it could ultimately be rewarding. Love, imagination, and creativity are intimately connected.

 

What makes you vulnerable makes you beautiful. Brené Brown

 

Find that beauty in you.

Final exercise: What is the one thing you would never write about?

Now write it.


[i] Brown, Brene. (2012). Daring Greatly: How the Courage to be Vulnerable Transforms the Way We Live, Love, Parent and Lead. New York, New York: Penguin Group.

[ii] Groover, R. J. (2011). Powerful and Feminine: How to Increase Your Magnetic Presence & Attract the Attention You Want. Deep Pacific Press. p. 171.

[iii] Zwartjes, A. (2012). Detailing Trauma. A Poetic Anatomy. Iowa City: University of Iowa Press.

[iv] Groover, R. J. (2011). Powerful and Feminine: How to Increase Your Magnetic Presence & Attract the Attention You Want. Deep Pacific Press. p. 175

 


Debbie spent 30 years as a registered nurse. She became a certified applied poetry facilitator and journal-writing instructor in 2007. She is currently a student in the Johns Hopkins Science-Medical Writing program. Her publications have appeared in Journal of Poetry Therapy, Studies in Writing: Research on Writing Approaches in Mental Health, Women on Poetry: Tips on Writing, Teaching and Publishing by Successful Women, Statement CLAS Journal, The Journal of the Colorado Language Arts Society, and Red Earth Review.

Trash Triptych + One

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Compost#mediaviewer/File:Green_compost_bin.JPG

I. Compost

If I had a Don’t-Bother list (as opposed to a To-Do list), housekeeping would be at or near the top. My kitchen and bathroom stay reasonably clean, but elsewhere dust and dog hair remain under the radar, taking full advantage of the freedom to assemble. Books, magazines, sheet music, neglected art projects, and shoes can be stacked or shoved aside, and they take no offense.

Trash and recycling are another matter, of course: You can’t ignore household trash, both in its accumulation and increasing odor, and recycling is a civic duty. I take some self-righteous satisfaction in the rituals of disposal: schlepping a garbage bag out to the alley and depositing my bins of bottles and plastic at the front curb, secure in the knowledge that trucks will come and haul my discards to their greater glory (or shameful landfill, as the case may be).

But I can’t work up enthusiasm for the compost pile. For one thing, it stays outside, so it’s easier to ignore. If you’re diligent (which, as I have demonstrated, I am not), you can periodically stir it up and promote its decay by adding compost tea or worms, but otherwise it works its dark, mulchy magic in private. Like an unpopular monarch, an incredibly patient chess player, or a disconsolate drinker, it wants to sit there and mull things over.

In my morning hurry to get to work — walking out with the trash, kitchen compost bucket, book bag, and coffee mug — I fear that one day my keys will slip into the rotting refuse. Rescuing them, particularly in late summer, would mean reaching my hand in among the gooey banana skins and white-furred strawberries. And that would give me pause. I would have to ask: Do I really need the keys now, or could I return later armed with a pair of rubber gloves? More to the point, do we really need the compost? We don’t have a vegetable patch to nurture. Our flower beds are small and unassuming. Sunshine, water, and some encouraging words would probably do the trick.

Intellectually, I understand that composting is simply a version of recycling — a purer one, at that, because it doesn’t require the same tremendous expenditure of energy to transport and process the materials. Emotionally, however, I have yet to observe any benefit. The spring may bring changes that enlighten me. In the meantime, it serves as a memento mori — a reminder of our own flourishing and demise, the eventual breakdown of cells and working parts.

In fact, if we didn’t embalm our bodies at death and encase them in varnished wood, metal, and satin, we too would become a more active part of the process. “Green” burial is not a new idea; it was common custom for thousands of years, but has been interrupted by modern preferences. However, the practice is seeing a renaissance, as it were. The Green Burial Council, a nonprofit established in 2005, educates the public and professionals in the funeral industry, coordinates with environmentalists, and maintains a directory of approved providers who have been certified to meet the Council’s standards. One can envision parks and gardens carpeting the burial grounds. Myself, I like the idea of nourishing a tree or a rosebush.

Coming full cycle, we might see the compost pile as a memento vita: the earth provides food that sustains us, and our organic detritus sustains the earth.

 II. Les Très Riches Heures

Photographer John Pfahl knew what to do with a compost pile: He created a series titled The Very Rich Hours of a Compost Pile. The large-format photos, taken throughout 1992-93, create a record, or “a daybook,” as he says, “of both the memorable and mundane meals that grace my table.” He attributes his inspiration for this process to the medieval book of hours. These were handwritten collections of daily devotional readings that included psalms, canonical prayers, and a calendar section of saints’ days and Church feasts. Popular in the late Middle Ages before the invention of the printing press, these illuminated manuscripts could be quite simple and affordable even to commoners, with only a decorated capital letter at the beginning of a prayer. Wealthy patrons, on the other hand, commissioned well-known artists to paint lavish, colorful books using expensive pigments and gold for their miniatures of biblical stories and intricate floral designs.

One of the best-known examples of a book of hours is Les Très Riches Heures du Duc de Berry, or, The Very Rich Hours of the Duke of Berry. Begun in the early fifteenth century by a pair of Dutch brothers named Limbourg, it was finished by another painter, Jean Colombe, between 1485 and 1489. The duke was a powerful and ardent patron of the arts — so much so that he was deeply in debt when he died, in 1416. In addition to numerous chateaux, he had enormous collections of illuminated manuscripts, furniture, fur-trimmed clothing, precious stones, and miniature gold sculptures. The website of the Metropolitan Museum of Art notes that he also had 1,500 hunting dogs.

In a typical book of hours, each month of the calendar section included a list of feast and saints’ days and a modest illustration on the same page. The Limbourg brothers, however, innovated the practice of devoting an entire page to the miniatures. Each month’s scene is topped by a tympanum of cobalt blue representing the arc of the sky, and the stars are consistent with the changing signs of the zodiac. In the center, holding a golden sunburst, travels a man in a chariot.

The calendar section is only a small part of the Très Riches Heures, but the individual scenes under the tympanum allow us an intimate peek into the secular world of fifteenth-century France. For example, January has the duke among friends enjoying a feast and exchanging gifts; April is a marriage, perhaps between the duke’s granddaughter and Charles d’Orléans. May depicts members of the royal court celebrating the first of the month with a traditional horseback ride out in the country, and August is an expedition with falcons. The duke’s chateaux and well-known landmarks, such as the Louvre, are seen in the various backgrounds. The other months showcase the commonplace activities of peasants as they sow and till the fields, harvest wheat or grapes, or huddle indoors before a February fire while outside beehives, dovecotes, and the sheepfold lie beneath a coating of snow.

This calendar section, a record “of both the memorable and the mundane,” is what especially interested John Pfahl. His twentieth-century photographs also capture the signs of seasons passing, but the contrasts between his work and the Limbourgs’ are obvious. Whereas the Très Riches Heures miniatures are about twelve by eight inches, Pfahl’s photos are large-format, about eighteen by twenty-one inches. And while the Limbourg brothers concentrated on people, landscapes, and buildings, Pfahl turns his focus to rotting vegetable matter. Chunks of broken pumpkin surround what’s left of a grinning Jack-o’-lantern, one eye missing, its lone tooth curling in on itself. Two knobby stalks of Brussels sprouts lie on a confetti-bed of smooth, fan-like gingko leaves. Against a snowy backdrop are fennel stalks and whorls of orange peels. Each photo is titled according to its most recent and therefore main element; watermelon rinds, for example, red cabbage, swiss chard in snow. There are also incidental garnishes like black olives, brown maple leaves, and asparagus spears. The title frozen peas only tells part of the story, for the peas are white, more like pearls, and they lie scattered on the snow among unidentifiable scraps of purple, orange, black, and green.

Compositions about decomposition.

III. Northern Lights

During an eight-month sojourn in Norway, I measured time by the amount of garbage I tossed. Another empty milk carton meant that we were that much closer to the day of departure. A crust of cheese meant we’d have fewer Norwegian sandwiches to consume.

I’m ashamed to admit that I was so anxious to leave, when there were many reasons to be thrilled with the adventure. Tromsø is 200 miles north of the Arctic Circle, and how many people can say they’ve been that close to the very top of the world? It’s the home of my ancestors before Hans Hanssen immigrated to the U.S. in the 1880s, a place of mystical fjords, snowy mountains, and thick wool sweaters. It’s a country that consistently ranks very high in quality of life. What’s not to like? What wouldn’t spark interest and imagination?

But our life was lonely. We could take the bus into town, as long as my husband and I were willing to wrestle our resistant four-year-old son, Cosmo, into his snowsuit, boots, and hat, and walk down the street to the bus stop where, it seemed, we arrived just in time to see the bus drive by, or just in time for our boy to decide he needed to pee. When we got to town, we could go to the bookstore or the library — but the comic books he so badly wanted us to read were in Norwegian. Going out to eat was prohibitively expensive; even so, we went to the Kaffe Bønner every Saturday morning to splurge on two cappuccinos, a hot chocolate, and one pastry. These were all exceptionally good. But the real point of our excursion was to get out of the apartment and buy an entrée to city life.

Any interaction with someone who wasn’t behind a counter was harder to come by. On walks through the woods that cover much of the island, or on treks down the hill to the grocery store, I’d pass people who didn’t glance at me, much less say hei. The knowledge that this was cultural, nothing personal, did not help to lessen the pain of isolation. I visited with Åsa, a kind neighbor, who was often out in the street (where cars were not allowed) with a gaggle of toddlers she supervised. Like other Norwegian children, they played outside no matter the weather. (Like other Norwegian mothers, Åsa used to bundle up her own baby and leave the pram out on the balcony, even in freezing temperatures, for his nap.) A year or two younger than Cosmo, the children seemed content just to pull a wagon back and forth or wander within a safe distance. These activities were of no interest whatsoever for my son, however. For distraction, he and I threw snowballs at a brick wall and watched them stick. After a while, we’d go inside and see if there were cartoons on TV, dubbed in Norwegian.

Norwegians don’t generate much trash; except for dairy leftovers, meat scraps, and other messy stuff, they mostly recycle or compost. Residents of our housing complex — hundreds of attached townhouses tiered on a hill, each with a stunning view of the fjord — were provided with two kinds of small plastic bags: one a biodegradable bag for vegetable garbage, which we filled daily, and the other for pure refuse. Whatever else we used was recyclable. At night, I would take a short walk up the hill to deposit the bags in the communal bins. On my way back, I’d pause to look up — and sometimes see the aurora borealis.

Here’s the thing about Northern Norway. The markers that Americans go by to judge the passing of time — dawn, high noon, dusk — are meaningless at certain times of the year. From the summer solstice to the winter solstice, every day is about ten minutes shorter than the one before, so the summer sun practically careens toward its temporary extinction, which officially begins November 22 and ends January 22. Then the earth hunkers down and admits a few meager hours of afternoon twilight in before resigning itself to darkness. And while the weight of this murkiness makes for some dreary, trudging afternoons, it also invites great swaths of green, blue, and red light to move across the sky, vibrating and flowing, shifting in shape from ribbons to curtains to waves that expand and contract on the cosmic stage.

Illumination.

IV. Harley

Harley, a big black dog, lived next door for a couple of years, inside a pen about twelve by eight square feet. His owners had a regular yard, in which their other dog, Snoopy, a manic little Schnauzer who bore no resemblance to his laid-back namesake, was allowed to roam. Most of the time, Snoopy hung out in the house, where he perched like a little tyrant king on the back of the couch, surveying his paltry kingdom through his picture window and barking obsessively at the citizens who dared walk past. Meanwhile, Harley sat in his pen, through rain, snow, and hail, freezing nights and scorching summer days. He had a doghouse but barely fit in it. He sat in his pen, which the owners cleaned infrequently, and waited for something to happen.

Harley had a namesake, too. Our neighbor, Tom, wanted a Harley Davidson, which are very expensive, so the family gave him the dog as a surrogate. It was a funny story until Tom got a motorized Harley, and our furry friend became redundant. He wasn’t exactly treated like trash, but, like potato peels or deliquescing head of lettuce, he was certainly ignored.

One side of his pen bordered part of our property. When a chance for human contact arrived, he’d put his front paws on top of the old wire fence, which swayed with his weight and gratitude. Then his paws gripped the arm that reached over; his tongue flapped at the hand that scratched his handsome head and the white blaze on his chest. It was only a passing visit, though, and he knew it: when you withdrew your arm he gripped it more tightly, desperately wanting to keep you there. Because otherwise it was just a pen full of shit, and his owner may have provided food and water, but he left Harley bereft.

What could we, should we do for that dog? Daily, we walked by Tom’s open garage, where he kept his Harley Davidson, all shiny black. Oddly, the radio was always playing a classic rock station, as though to keep the motorcycle company, but we hardly ever saw Tom. When we did, we were friendly. We didn’t mention that Harley was being terribly mistreated. What would we say? Would you please let him in the house once in a while? Would you clean up his shit? Would you treat him like a living creature and not an old tire? I didn’t have the courage to speak up.

Another neighbor, who fed Harley a warm hot dog every day, got Animal Control to come out and have a look, but as long as he had shelter and food and water, they said they couldn’t do anything.

I thought about knocking on Tom’s front door and asking if I could take Harley for walks once in a while. Like twice a day. I even thought about saying, “Hi, how are you? Say, can I have Harley? I mean, for keeps?” But we already had a dearly loved older dog who deserved our undivided attention; it would seem like a kind of betrayal. Another dog would mean more visits to the vet, more frequent and vigorous exercise, and more worry about finding a place to board when we left town. And Harley wasn’t housetrained.

I didn’t want to confront Tom, even though the worst that could have happened was that he’d say “No.” Then I’d have been embarrassed and Tom might have been offended, or our neighborly relationship might have soured and we’d avoid each other from then on (cringing if we took our trash out to the alley at the same time), even possibly never speaking to each other again — but wasn’t a dog’s welfare worth the risk?

One day Harley was gone. Soon after, his pen was cleaned out. I missed him and worried about him. A couple days went by and I didn’t see Tom or his wife, so I called the shelter, but they didn’t have a recent record of a black dog with a white blaze. I drove to the shelter to look for myself; I drove to the pound. There were plenty of dogs needing a home, but no Harley. Eventually, the hot-dog neighbor passed on the news: Tom had given Harley to a friend, presumably someone who would take better care of him.

I hope Harley gets more attention now and a chance to run and play, but I guess I’ll never know. Here, our golden retriever roams freely in the front yard and enjoys her very rich hours as a dog. If I throw a tennis ball onto the neighbor’s lawn, she might bring it back, or she might just roll on it, four paws in the air, belly exposed, luxuriating in the sensation. She also likes to lie on the grass or the porch, alert to smells on the wind, and watch people go by. If she gets a friendly greeting, she trots over for a pet, and in the receiving, gives her visitors joy. This is the kind of memorable and mundane grace that dogs provide us every day: an opportunity for connection and renewal.

 


Michele Hanson’s work has appeared in Copper Nickel and Travelers Tales: A Mother’s World. She teaches at Colorado Mesa University in Grand Junction, where she lives with her son and dog.


 

Posthumous Conversations

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayahuasca#mediaviewer/File:Ayahuasca_and_chacruna_cocinando.jpg
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Ayahuasca#mediaviewer/File:Ayahuasca_and_chacruna_cocinando.jpg
Photo Credit: Awkipuma

“What is death?  What is life? Life without death has no meaning.  Life does not exist without death.  Wherever there is life, there is death.  And we cannot hide from it.  Death is a change, a process.  It is necessary for life.  Western societies have demonized death.  But why?  Due to fear and ignorance.  Because there’s something to be afraid of after death?  What is it?  What is God?  They are truly afraid of God, and He is life itself.  So they stay away from death and by doing so they stay away from life as well.” – Quoted from The Sacred Science    

 

Resolving that I’d held it down for as long as I could, I broke from my half-arsed half-lotus position, clasped my plastic red bucket like a diminutive inmate would his dinner tray, left the circle of drinkers, and hastily made my way to the toilet. As soon as the bathroom door shut, a powerful deluge of brown, fetid sludge forced my mouth agape and, resonating on the plastic like fingers tapping a bongo, splashed haphazardly onto the bottom of the bucket. The receptacle started to feel warm and emanated an astringently rancid stench that smacked my olfactory sense like it was a passing convoy of stained garbage trucks. I’d just barfed an extremely potent entheogen, infamous for its ability to evoke profoundly spiritual visions, deeply personal psychological insights, and intellectual ideations. I placed my oral potty in the washbasin, and, with arms akimbo, I looked up from the gunk and found myself face to face with an invalid drooling into a large, red spittoon. Staring at my reflection while completely compos mentis, I wryly thought, ‘Is this it then?’

In the traditional Amazonian shamanic context, ayahuasca (aka La Purga, Abuela, Grandmother, Spirit Vine, Vine of Death) is a hallucinogenic beverage used for spiritual, religious, and medicinal purposes; it is often described as a window into the sacred cosmology of magic, transcendent experience, and healing. For readers preferring a description sincere to the traditions of enlightenment thought: it is a tea typically obtained from the vine Banisteriopsis caapi and shrub Psychotria viridis, where B. caapi contains beta-carboline alkaloids with MAOI (monoamine oxidase inhibitor) action, while P. viridis contains the hallucinogen N,N-dimethyltryptamine (DMT). However, DMT is not active orally because it is enzymatically destroyed, but its combination with the MAOIs from B. caapi renders it orally active and is the basis of the psychotropic action of ayahuasca. The plants used are native to opposite ends of the Amazon jungle, an area almost three-quarters the size of Australia. This fact has baffled anthropologists trying to fathom how it came to be that ancient tribes developed the botanical knowledge to locate, identify, and prepare something so medicinally complex and powerful.

The practice of utilising different plants to heal various illnesses has been widespread among numerous indigenous tribes throughout the Amazon Basin for millennia. Contrary to western medicine’s penchant to dichotomise ailments of the mind and body — a practice producing a glut of separate practitioners dedicated to segregated parts of the whole (e.g., doctors, therapists, psychologists, priests, spiritual advisors, psychotherapists, and counsellors) — shamanic healing treats a person as a single whole, where physical, spiritual, and psychological aspects all interrelate with one another. For instance, psychological torments such as guilt and shame may insidiously plague a person long after the emotional symptoms have subsided, and they can often manifest as a full-blown, chronic physical illness.

The process of healing chronic illnesses with shamanic knowledge has recently been documented in the film The Sacred Science. Released in 2011, the documentary focuses on a sundry group of eight patients who suffer from various chronic psychological and physical illnesses. They travel to the Amazon rainforest to undergo an intensive healing program under the guidance of local shamanic healers (aka Medicine Men, Curandero, Shaman). The participants are given a combination of plant medicines — including ayahuasca — and intense spiritual exercises, in the hope of confronting and mitigating deep spiritual and emotional issues, therefore eliminating any fabricated barriers between their physical and mental states.

The journey I undertook, however, didn’t entail exhausting my local IGA of heavy-duty insect repellent, packing bags, breaking up with my girlfriend, and travelling to the Amazon to ingest the sacred tea amongst indigenous Peruvians and pasty, psychotropic-seeking tourists. (I can barely afford to purchase locally the less psychedelic, less revered, and more vomit-inducing variety of tea called English Breakfast). Nor was I (consciously) attempting to ameliorate any burdensome psychological or physical malady. Ostensibly, I agreed to the ayahuasca ceremony invitation out of sheer curiosity. However (at the risk of sounding too clever), I’ve always felt shrouded by an overwhelming and often debilitating detachment from the values, morals, epistemology, ontology, and metaphysical, theological, and existential systems of my milieu, and I have often desired a connection with something deeper that would transcend dialectic consciousness and provide me with a strong philosophical footing. I was after a quasi-religious experience void of theological undertones, void of submissive prostration to a merciless ethereal deity who preys on the absurd human condition and its credulous penchant for blind faith. I’ve been teetering precariously on a metaphorical fence of agnosticism, neither willing to worship nor eulogise God as Zarathustra did. I was reluctant to accept as dogma the disenchanted perspective provided by science, and I was dissatisfied with the dearth of options available in western culture to someone searching for a natural and holistic form of guidance that doesn’t charge by the hour and revert to the prognosis that my anal complex is the fountainhead of all my woes.

So there I was, at home, nursing my third Heineken while waiting for the convoy of cars that was transporting the ceremony invitees toward our ersatz Amazon: Geelong. I’d been looking forward to this day since receiving the following enigmatic text: ‘You have been invited to a ceremony, I will contact you with details soon.’ Two days post-text, I was sitting with my tattooist at our local speakeasy, eagerly enquiring whether there was any preparatory rigmarole I needed to endure. ‘Just don’t drink alcohol the week prior; fast; and eat only rice and raw vegetables from the antepenultimate day. And try meditating.’ I went home and looked up ‘antepenultimate.’ The Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders IV listed my self-identified idiosyncrasies under the heading Attention-Deficit/Hyperactivity Disorder, so that ruled out meditation. I forgot about the fasting, although on the antepenultimate day I’d eaten nothing besides a lotus. As I cracked open my fourth Heineken, the convoy finally arrived.

Geelong: Pulling into the front yard of the house where the ceremony was to take place, images of Peter Fonda’s Paul Groves rapidly came to mind and just as quickly, subsided. It was dusk, and I could tell we were a fair distance from the city because the sky’s crepuscular reflections on my windshield were pissing me off. White Jesus was standing on the front porch greeting people with hugs and familiar adorations; it seemed cuddles were status quo and kisses the new hello. The suburban saviour was wearing a brown Alpaca poncho. As I approached the messianic figure, I deduced that he wasn’t white Jesus and the halo emanation was, in fact, a mere temporal porch light. It was clear I had no idea what I was doing nor what to expect. As a neophyte in the art of greeting shamans, I tried to avoid committing any kind of introductory faux pas and advanced with an outstretched arm, as if to say: this is my hand; it wants to be shaken. Instead, the shaman used my hand as a line and reeled me into a warm and surprisingly tolerable embrace. ‘I like this guy,’ thought I.

There were about thirteen of us in total, a motley crew sporting enough skin ink among us to create a graphic novel. A few strangers (I considered those that arrived as part of the convoy to be known to me, regardless of the fact that I had already forgotten their names after the hasty introductions exchanged during a fuel stop) were already patiently seated around the periphery of a large rug, on which was placed an array of indigenous looking instruments, including the didgeridoo, singing bowls, and an acoustic guitar. Exchanging a few perfunctory pleasantries, I sat between a young woman from Melbourne, for whom this ceremony was her third, and an older woman of about sixty — a self-confessed ceremony veteran who chortled treacherously upon learning that I was an ayahuasca virgin. ‘How reassuring,’ I thought with sinking gut.

This brings us — almost, at least — to the invalid drooling over the red bucket. I was feeling slightly vexed, having endured an unpleasant side effect of ayahuasca yet bereft of any cognitive effects. Prior to ingesting the psychotropic, the shaman had advised us against actively seeking out the plant’s wisdom and instead to let ourselves be receptive to it. The most common types of knowledge encountered are factual knowledge, when the drink enables people to obtain specific information about their past, the biography of others, privileged information about the natural world, and even directly observe other places and times. Then there is psychological knowledge, which consists of personal insights, self understanding, and novel psychological comprehension. Knowledge related to nature and life is where drinkers establish a unique, close link to nature, with insights and a profound understanding concerning flora, fauna, and global biology and ecology. Ayahuasca often generates philosophical and metaphysical ideations and reflections, even among philosophical dunces. Drinkers can also feel a sense of wellbeing, overall comportment, and wisdom, enjoying more stamina and greater existential harmony. Most often, however, non-ordinary states of mind are encountered, doors of perception are opened, and the antipodes of the mind are explored. At the time, however, I had no idea what I was supposed to be receptive toward. I felt like a flat-screen television searching for a signal through a shoddy coat-hanger. So I decided it was only fair that I boost my feelers and have another dose…

Twenty minutes later, I found myself whispering in astonishment, ‘Where is this placcsssssssss?’ My immediate surroundings were suffused with a billowing, nebulous glow, not unlike a photo of flowing water for which the shutter was left open, exposing the film for several minutes. The other participants were mere radiating blobs. I had traversed into another reality where visual and audio modalities were redundant: my face had bust asunder into large, hovering fragments; one eye felt as though it were above what I perceived to be my corporeal head, while the other was near my knee. I became synesthetic — inhaling my visions, exhaling what was heard, psychoacoustics gone awry. It was as though I had inhaled the canvas, yet the painting still stood before me — inside my body lay the very foundation of existence, a manifestation of the whole rather than an isolated organism. The shaman’s throat singing tasted like centuries of atavistic dance, movement, and gyration. With eyes shut, iridescent tendrils and tassels with DNA-structured patterns flailed about me, slithering out my mouth with an ambient ebbing and flowing aaaaaaaaaaaaaeeeeeee that morphed into staccato tst tst tst t t t ttttssszzzz ahhhhh. Searching for the right mudra, I rested my hands on my knees, palms exposed. On my left, the young woman sat with her back straight and elegantly gesticulated at a gingerly pace (later I learned she was handing out flowers to rabbits and unicorns). On my right, the older woman was full of astonished love for all things, repeatedly proffering her thanks to what I later learned was mother earth. I was isolated in empty thoughts for some time, the burden of corporeal realities eschewed — like an ascetic meditating in an atemporal monastery. The presence of two distinct spirits converged upon me: as the anonymous apparitions encroached upon my consciousness I sensed that they were my grandfathers, although I could distinguish my mother’s father as having an omnipresence — eventually his benign spirit took up residence within my body and mind (I never met my mother’s father. The Iranian government murdered him several months after I was born because he refused to renounce his faith). He began to bequeath his wisdom, humility, and knowledge; I felt his personality align with mine, and throughout the metamorphosis, I observed the similarities I had inherited from him. He had come to remind me that erudition must trump hedonism, that I was on the right path although I may think otherwise, and that I am my ancestor’s descendent, my grandfather’s grandson, my mother’s son. I basked in my grandfather’s presence and esoteric wisdom. It felt as though I had spent an inordinate amount of time smoking Cuban cigars in the drawing room of my family estate, gaining valuable insights into the corporation that was my blood-line and inheritance. This was a benevolent and serious being who wanted to reassure me of the importance and value of the gift of life — one must treat it with respect. He waited for me to speak before leaving, as hitherto, I had been silently absorbing everything he imparted. Smiling, I facetiously enquired, ‘But I can still have fun, right?’ And with that he bellowed out in laughter, leaving it to resonate as a vestige of his omnipresence.

Recently, I emailed my mother requesting her to send any information she had surrounding the circumstances of her father’s murder. She sent me an article about my grandfather that my older sister had written in high school. In it, she describes how my grandfather had dedicated his life to the principal teachings of his faith — the unity of humankind and religions, and the establishment of a universal faith. She goes on to say that deep down I know his soul is in the best place now — in the next world. Perhaps, my grandfather received in death what he dedicated himself to in life. And perhaps ayahuasca, as humanity’s magico-spiritual telecommunications network to the next and all other worlds, is here to reassure us that in death there is life.

 


Fareed Kaviani is a masters of literature graduate, currently writing for the London publication, Things & Ink. You can find more of his writing at the4thwall.net