Hoping to gain favor and possibly votes from Obama supporters, Republican presidential nominee Mitt Romney offered an endorsement to his opponent in the coming election during a campaign visit to Arlington, Virginia. Mr. Romney was informed by a campaign aid that the majority of local residents are highly educated progressives. He was also advised that the polls show President Barack Obama’s policies as being favored in the swing state. Once in possession of this valuable insight, Mr. Romney switched his platform.
“You’ve got to admit the guy has some good ideas, and he is smarter than I am,” Mr. Romney said, when explaining the controversial move to Arlington reporters. “Plus, this will probably get me in good with the socialists … whom I strongly disagree with.”
When asked about his running mate’s decision while campaigning in Ohio, Paul Ryan had this to say: “I’m in Ohio right now, so no comment, but when I travel to Illinois next week, I’m definitely behind it. After all, I hear there are a lot of Obama supporters in Illinois. Plus, I support anything the next president of the United States supports as long as I still get the e-vite. I wouldn’t want to miss out on beer pong.” Mr. Ryan responded while at an anti-Ayn Rand, support Ayn Rand fundraiser in Cleveland. “Go Buckeyes,” he added, as he gave a noogie to a bro.
The White House was both taken aback and displeased with the announcement. “To be honest, we saw this coming,” President Obama said. “It’s pretty much in keeping with my opponent’s campaign message of ‘I’m willing to do anything and say anything to get elected’ platform. I can’t say I’m happy about it, but what can you do when you’re running against guys who argue with empty chairs?”
At another point during the campaign stop, Mr. Romney referred to his credentials as an underdog who has pulled himself up by the bootstraps: “I’ve always maintained that if you work hard, stand on your own two feet, and pay close attention to your trust fund returns you can pull yourself out of any hardship.” He then lathered his hands in anti-bacterial hand soap while complaining about how 47% of the country doesn’t wash its hands often enough. “They don’t take enough responsibility for their germs,” he said, in explanation.
When asked how this unsurprising move contradicts his controversial comments that ‘President Obama’s supporters are people who take no responsibility for their livelihoods and who think they are entitled to government handouts,’ Mr. Romney retorted with an out-of-the-blue comment: “I’m all for it,” he said. When asked what specifically he was all for, he responded with the following comment: “In keeping with my long-held policy of standing firm, I support them not being okay with my comments about them as long as they support me in not supporting or supporting them.” When asked what he meant by his confusing and obfuscated words, Mr. Romney replied that he wasn’t really sure what obfuscation means, but that he hoped that if he supports it, that might garner him more votes amongst those who feel strongly about obfuscation.
In a related development, Flip Floppers United has offered its endorsement to Mr. Romney. He’s considering the offer, but is currently waiting poll numbers on whether to accept.
Kyle Noe is studying at The Johns Hopkins University MA in Writing Program and UCLA’s Professional Program in Screenwriting. His fiction can be found in GW’s Wooden Teeth, and he hopes to connect authors and book lovers at bookrumors.com.