Before we talk about the Adult Sexy Santa’s Little Helper costume, let me give some background. I’m not opposed to some holiday fun. I’m not into the sexy costumes and holiday sweaters but, okay, different strokes. My usual attire is pretty mundane. Skinny jeans worn in and molded just perfectly so they feel more like leggings than jeans, a T-shirt, fuzzy socks and a pair of faux fur slippers to which I have become unnaturally attached. I will change into tall leather boots when going out. I wear leather boots pretty much year round. I don’t know why. I have noticed that each time I watch Walking Dead, I comment on how all the people should be wearing tall leather boots. How many bites could be avoided with tall leather boots? During the season finale this fall, I found myself yelling at the television, Come on Hershel! You never would have been bitten on the leg and infected by a walker and Rick wouldn’t have had to cut off your leg and the Governor wouldn’t have gotten the jump on you if you weren’t all gimpy, if you’d just been wearing tall leather boots! Better yet. Waders. Those fuckers are thick. Nothing can bite through a good pair of Gor-Tex waders. I am still angry with the episode writers for lack of proper footwear. Think about it. Rick and Hershel and the Walking Dead are all living in Georgia, right? You can’t tell me there isn’t a good angler store on every block in Georgia. That’s my advice. If the zombies come for you, head to the angler store for waders and tall leather boots. Good tread. That and a katana sword.
I’m one of those people who would likely have a closet full of replicated and perfectly made attire including waders if I thought it were necessary. Which is weird because I hate uniforms. I hate most uniforms. I would be pissed as Santa. Same jacket and pants every year, though, uniforms can be quite pleasing on some people. I simply have an allergy to wearing them. Hypocrisy. I know. I own it. It would be okay if I could create my own uniform as long as I could wear jeans and boots. That would be okay. I hate having to look at clothing variations in the morning when I haven’t had enough coffee yet and I need to get to the laptop so a grungy sort of jeans and boots uniform would suit me fine. Tweed waist coat on special occasions. A dress on rare occasion. Feel me? For all of these reasons, replicated geek would be my preferred style if people wouldn’t think it was so weird. I should qualify all of this. I am a grunge geek most days. Proudly. But I’ve somehow staved off the replication part so far. If you see me in twenty years wandering the streets of DC, Baltimore or Manhattan in waders, a beat up David Bowie T-shirt and tweed coat, mumbling something about biters, you’ll know why.
And so onto the Sexy Santa Helpers. Every year these sexy Santas and elves, and I think I even saw a sexy Rudolph one year, come out to play. White fluff, nose, antlers and all. Women and teenyboppers all lined up in Adult Sexy outfits for holiday parties. And it doesn’t stop there. Women will go all creative on this shit and wear variations based on ages and positions in the community. Soccer moms in Sexy Santa’s Little Helper low cut red sweater with the white fluff edging. A cute little hat to top it off. Bright red lips. Heh. They wouldn’t want to go full sexy with short skirt and striped socks. That would be ridiculous. But seriously, didn’t we get enough of the sexy costuming at Halloween? If you want to dress as sexy Santa at the Holidays, please, do it in the privacy of your home, not the neighbor’s party. We really don’t need to be reminded of what you like to do with your candy canes.
I’m not Scroogey. Not really. And I’m fine with fashion. Fine with holiday cheer. I just don’t have time for it every day and let’s face it, holiday cheer can come and go much more quickly than we’re forced to suffer–i.e. Macy’s 2013 pre-Halloween Christmas displays. I do, however, have moments of fashion exultation. If I must go out in public, I like to be covered in something special. I’m having one of those moments, now, so please bear with me.
I have fallen in love with a dress. I know. Can’t help it. It happened upon me unexpectedly and bam! Had to have it. So, guess who’s rocking the Valentino skinny black at the holiday party? I might even wear red heels, which presents an existential problem on multiple levels. One, the splash of red is so CocaColaSantaHolidayCommercial I have to slap myself for doing it and then again, I am still a product of my developmental commercialism. Trying to cut it out of oneself as an adult is akin to removing a portion of one’s creative brain, commercialism being one of the uglier parts of American capitalism and uglier parts being one of the more interesting artistic explorations. So, I justify the red heels with a femme fatale stealth defense. Or at least that’s what I tell myself. Some fucker comes after me and he gets a heel in the eye. But really, I like the lift. I spent many developmental years into teens studying ballet and on pointe/toe is a comfortable, fun foot position for me, not the stiletto sort but two to three inch feels pretty good. It reminds me of dancing, I think. Plus, if I need to run, I run on my toes. My heels and my track shoes (long out of commission, I’ll admit) are not so different in construction but for the tread. Here’s my idea for a new shoe line, heels with track spikes. Love it? I love it. Someone should make them.
I don’t mind saying that I feel a little like a superhero in my Valentino and red heels. Leap tall buildings, faster than a speeding bullet and all that. It will be worn everywhere, my holiday super suit–Frederick, DC, Baltimore, Manhattan. If I were ever allowed to be a superhero, Valentino would definitely make my spandex suit and cape.
It seems like heresy to have Valentino and Adult Sexy Santa’s Little Helper on the same page so I’ll spare you the trauma of juxtaposed images. Happy Holidays to everyone. If you happen to come upon outrageous Adult Sexy Holiday Costumes at your parties, PLEASE, post links to pictures below in the comments section.