Dear Traumatic Brain Injury (T.B.I.):
Thank you for applying to the position of āwhat happened on Susanās way home on May 5ā here at The Rest of Susanās Life, Inc.
We do really appreciate that you considered us, when we know there are a lot of places taking applications. We received and have reviewed a large number of applications, including from ā256 Broken Bonesā, his cousins ā247 Broken Bonesā and ā212 Broken Bonesā, āFractured Ribs causing pneumothoraxā, āLiver impaled by gearshiftā, āExsanguinated at roadsideā, āTrapped in exploding carā, and simply āCrushed to deathā.
There was so much working for you. Your rƩsumƩ is remarkable. Your involvement in extracurricular activities (boxing, football, and equestrian sports in particular) were duly noted. Your background in the military service, especially on the front lines, was striking. And your references, including Jackie Chan, Roald Dahl, and Lady Gaga, were most impressive. When we called them, however, they unfortunately revealed some negative feedback about you.
When we wrote in the job description that we sought a candidate who could really āshake things upā, we were not referring to shaking up Susanās brain matter or causing vertigo. We werenāt really sure how to interpret your cover letter about ātaking the bull by the hornsā, or how youāre known to āalways hit the nail on the head.ā
The team was really impressed with the way that you offered to help Susan develop more appreciation for the small pleasures in lifeālike staying awake for more than a half-hour at a time, reading more than three pages of a book and retaining them, and even remembering whether she had turned on the oven. However, after reviewing the applications, we felt that another applicant was better suited for the position.
We are declining to move forward with your application.
Your responses to job application questions were certainly cunning. Under āspecial skillsā, you wrote ācan cause headache and vertigo without warning.ā No one knows when youāre thereāyou donāt always identify yourself. You might let us sleepājust not soundly. Your thinking might appear clear, but really you are as foggy as a San Francisco harbor on a summer day. And you might go totally incognito for days, only to come raging back in the form of dizziness, confusion, and a total lack of coordination. And that is just not going to work out for us in a professional workplace.
We are currently focusing on candidates who require less accommodation, for our needs at The Rest of Susanās Life right now. Unfortunately, the sheer amount of work (with physical therapy, occupational therapy, neuropsychology, acupuncture, massage therapy, home health aides, and of course visits to the ER and Susanās GP) required to adapt the position to your needs makes the situation untenable for us. We are but a small company.
You were the only external candidate to make it so far in the hiring process, and we really wanted you. Ultimately, in the interest of full transparency, we decided to go with an internal candidate. The internal candidate āHad a safe drive homeā has already been approached and plans to take the position of āwhat happened on Susanās way home on May 5.ā We found the internal candidate to be better suited to our goals here at The Rest of Susanās Life: family, friends, awake time, and most importantly, memories.
Finally, we regret to remind you of our policy that those who are not hired, may never reapply for a position in The Rest of Susanās Life. Also, even if you think it is clever to change your name to āConcussionā, please know that the internal policy is for no reapplications and we have ways of checking on this.
Thank you for your interest in working with us. Weāre sorry that it didnāt work out. Best of luck in the rest of your search. You might want to check out the NFL. Weāre pretty sure you would fit in there perfectly.
With Gratitude,
The Rest of Susanās Life
Image at the top of the page: “Fogged” by Premnath Thirumalaisamy is licensed under CC BY-NC 2.0.