HALLOWEEN | Sexy Writer

hippieI have stopped dressing up for Halloween. Maybe this is because I have dreadlocks now, and so I feel like I have to dress as a hippie. And that’s just boring. (Although I dressed as a hippie for Halloween when I was in seventh grade). I refuse to dress as a hippie now, even though I have the dreadlocks for the costume, because if I were to go shopping for a hippie Halloween costume, this is what I wound find:

sexy hippie

That’s right. A sexy hippie. Maybe this isn’t surprising. Maybe this is why I don’t want to dress up for Halloween. Because dumb society says if I don’t combine the word sexy with whatever noun I want to dress up as, then I would be pissing on the holiday spirit.



When did this happen? When did our culture decide that Halloween was just a reason to dress up as a representation of something in as little clothing as possible?



When I was a kid, my mother came up with some killer costumes. Mime, Tooth Fairy, Pinnochio, Ghostbusters.

mimes tooth fairy pinoch ghostbusters


But wait. If I were to dress as any of these nouns now, I would be expected to look like this:


sexy mime sexy tooth fairysexy pinnochiosexy ghostbusters


Thank you, no.

And what if I decided to be a dead basketball player again? I mean, really, which do you think looks better: 

dead basketball player                 OR           sexy baskeball player


(Maybe I don’t want you to answer that).

And I think back to when I was a kid. To when it was so fun that one Halloween when I was with my neighborhood buddies—none of whose names I can remember now—and we dressed as Snow White (okay, that’s my sister, I remember her), I was Dumbo, some little dude or perhaps chick was a pumpkin, and some scary looking chick who I think lived next door to me and who I punched one day when she made me trip on my roller skates was dressed as a witch.

all of us


If we were to dress as these things now, our cute little group picture would look like this: 

sexy all of us

Thank you, no.

Also, I’m a nerd.

The only thing I want to dress up as is a writer.


Seriously, Google search “sexy writer costume.” Nothing.

And then I think about it. What, exactly, would a sexy writer costume be?

A sexy Emily Dickinson?


emily dickinson costume


Or maybe I could be like that dude on reddit who dressed as Edgar Allan Ho. 

edgar allan ho


Thinking about being a sexy writer is perhaps falling into a line of thinking saved for the mentally insane. And I’ve done that before. Not as a Halloween costume, but as an actual mental patient. 

mental patient

I mean really, how could you dress up like a sexy mental patient for Halloween?




Why the hell does society want to sexy-fy being a mental patient? Is that really necessary? It’d be like trying to be a sexy inmate.

That’s just tacky. 

sexy inmate


At least we aren’t sexy-fying everything. I mean, it’s not like I could dress up like my eating disorder

sexy anorexia


Fine. I’m not going to dress up like any noun this year. I’m just going to be my sexy, writer self. 

sexy writer office



Chelsey Clammer is a writer who writes.



Why I Would Love Paul Rudd if He Lost His Lady Hips

Paul Rudd imageBecause Paul Rudd danced a special magic dance as Paris dressed as an astronaut, his magic hand waving in the air and spreading love and fairy dust for Claire Danes an angel in Luhrmann’s Romeo and Juliet, the good one, before Luhrmann fucked up The Great Gatsby. Because Paul Rudd can be a sarcastic asshole to another character’s face  without getting punched, most of the time. Because in Role Models he helped the geeky kid feel good about being a “real world” role game player. Because he can wear a little more weight on his lady hips and still make you want to run your fingers through his dark curly locks. Because he made Steve Carell feel okay about being a mouse taxidermist. Because he played the creepy hot step-brother who made us all feel okay about his sister crush on Alicia Silverstone. Because of all these things, Paul Rudd, I would love you if you lost your lady hips, though, the roomy flannels and sports jackets work really well.