2020 Discards: A Miscarriage Story

"miscarriage" by kouk is licensed with CC BY 2.0. To view a copy of this license, visit https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

“I’m thinking about making a sourdough starter.”

I said this in front of my mom in hopes that she would make the sourdough starter and then share some with me. Just like millions of other people spending the majority of my time at home since the pandemic started, I thought baking would be a therapeutic way to ease the stress of 2020. Plus, bread is awesome.

On April 19, my mother came through with the sourdough starter, and lots of homemade bread. I took it home in a mason jar and was given a Post-it with feeding instructions.

On April 6, 13 days prior, I had taken a pregnancy test that turned out to be positive.  I’m 35 years old, so I’m considered to be at an “advanced age” for someone to have a child. Even though I’d been off birth control for 6 months and we were actively “trying” as they say, I didn’t expect to be pregnant.

I wasn’t expecting it because for a few days prior to the test, I had been experiencing horrific cramps and back pains, which I attributed to an oncoming period. They were 10 times worse than any period cramps I’d ever had. I wrote in my journal, “These cramps aren’t normal.”

When I was a day late for my period, I decided to take the test just to see and it turned out I was pregnant. I called my doctor’s office. I already had an appointment with them scheduled on May 20 for my yearly exam. They wouldn’t let me make an earlier appointment. That meant I wouldn’t be able to see a doctor for a month and a half. I knew I would have to wait a bit, but that seemed outrageous. When I told the nurse about the cramping, she said, “I mean, you can cramp some,” while chomping her gum. She offered nothing else.

The cramps lasted around 3 weeks. I used a heating pad to help relieve the pain. I worried about the ibuprofen I’d taken before learning I wasn’t supposed to, or the drinks I’d had the weekend prior to finding out. I was worried the entire time that something was wrong but didn’t want to be too needy.

I brought home the sourdough starter when the cramps were still there but easing a bit. I fed it for the first time on April 25. I mixed together 4 ounces of flour and 4 ounces of water and poured it on top of the already existing starter. I stirred it together and looked inside. There were bubbles. It smelled like flour. I had no idea if this was correct. I left it out overnight to repeat the process the next day and put it back in the refrigerator.

On April 27, there was a brown spot on the toilet paper when I used the bathroom.

The brown spots continued each time I went to the bathroom and once they began to look like blood, I called my doctor’s office. The nurse told me to “watch it.” As it got worse and I called again, she rudely told me to go to the emergency room without any explanation.

I decided to find another doctor. Luckily, I was able to do this quickly. This doctor made an appointment for me but also recommended I go to the emergency room but explained why and did so in the most caring way.

I agreed to go.

Ian, my husband, rushed home from work to take me.

We took our masks and walked up to the emergency room where they took our temperature and asked if we had any symptoms of COVID. They told me Ian couldn’t come in.

There’s isn’t a good time to have a miscarriage, but it turns out, there is a bad time. And that time is during a pandemic.

Ian made his way to the parking lot where he would stay for four hours, save a minute or two here and there when he got food and gas.

I walked inside. I was happy to see that I was the only patient in the waiting room at the time.

The woman at the counter got my vitals and asked me questions about my symptoms, family history and medications from 6 feet away and then told me to sit down.

I waited less than 20 minutes and was taken to an exam room.

I’ve never been a modest person in front of health care workers, so when the nurse gave me a gown and told me to get undressed, I started immediately and she said, “Oh, um, I’m going to step out.”

She came back and gave me a cup for a urine sample. “The bathroom is out in the hall.”

I kind of wondered why she told me to get naked if I was going to have to go into a hallway bathroom to pee. I kept the gown on but put my pants and shoes back on so those in the hallway wouldn’t see my backside.

When I got back to the room, I took my pants off again and got under the sheet. The nurse came back in and started an IV just in case. She took two large vials of blood and then put what I assume is saline into the IV and plugged it in.

Then, I waited. The next step was the ultrasound. I’d say I waited about an hour before a man came to take me to that area of the hospital.

He let me cover my legs with a sheet.

Riding in a wheelchair in a hospital to another section of a hospital is eerie. I don’t know if it’s the pandemic or just how resistant I am to the clinical vibe, but I didn’t like it. It was quiet and everyone we passed was silent. I could only see their eyes because of the masks.

He rolled me into a cubicle in the hallway to wait again.

The ultrasound tech came and got me.

I laid on my back on the stretcher and watched as she applied warm jelly to the little ultrasound thing.

I was wondering if I would hear a heartbeat, or if not hearing one would be a bad sign. She didn’t explain either way.

She didn’t say much at all actually, other than a few words here and there to make sure I was OK.

She was looking deep into the monitor, like she couldn’t see anything. She just kept searching.

I asked, “Can you not see anything?”

It was obvious she was trained to not give me any information that might indicate what was going on. She told me that because it’s late in the day, I may have gas build up and that makes it hard to see. I joked, “I did have Mexican food for lunch.”

She didn’t find it funny.

I’d say she looked around and took pictures for at least 20–25 minutes. Because she couldn’t see anything, she asked if she could do a vaginal ultrasound. I thought that might be the case and kind of wished we had just started with that.

I said, “Whatever you need to do.”

She told me to go empty my urine completely and then come back and sit on the foam wedge she provided.

When I got back into the room, I perched myself on the foam wedge so she had access for the procedure.

She came back into the room and showed me a wand that was not wide, but about 12 inches long.

“The whole thing won’t go in,” she said. I wish this statement had provided more solace.

She covered the wand in a plastic covering that was full of cold gel. She then rubbed the top with KY Jelly.

I’ve had many pap smears, and this felt kind of like that, except it lasted much, much longer.

I can tell why she made me pee first. As she moved the wand around to take pictures of my ovaries and pelvic area, it put pressure on my bladder and stomach. I was genuinely worried that I may pee or get rid of some of that “excess gas” on her.

While I was staring at the ceiling, trying to distract myself, I dubbed her the Jacques Cousteau of my lady parts. This almost made me laugh out loud. That would have been very weird.

She finally stopped and said, “I’m just going to leave this here for a second and go ask if they need any more pictures. I don’t want to have to re-insert the wand.” Luckily, she wasn’t gone long. It’s very strange to have something foreign inside of you. I wondered if it would be weird the next time I had sex, and then I wondered if or when I’d ever want to do it again.

When she came back into the room she said they had all they needed and took the wand out. She placed two washcloths on my stomach and told me I could go clean myself.

It felt like a drunken college party where I’d made a poor choice in judgment and now it was time to wipe up.

When I cleaned myself, there wasn’t that much blood. I thought that might be a good thing.

She rolled me back to my cubicle to wait to be taken back to the emergency room. On the way, she asked if I had any pain or just the bleeding. I told her just bleeding. I also took this to be a potentially good sign.

As I sat in my cubicle, I wished I had my phone. I wanted to tell Ian what just happened. I was gone at least an hour from my exam room. I could see a couple of nurses at a desk. They were talking and working. After about 10 minutes, one of them took me back to my room.

I waited about another hour for the nurse practitioner to come in.

I kind of wished that I didn’t have the mask on because all she could see were my tired eyes that were now glazed with tears. I didn’t know why I was about to cry before she even told me what was going on.

She told me that the pregnancy test was positive, and all the blood work pointed to a pregnancy but that the ultrasound didn’t show anything in the sack. So either I was earlier than I thought and it wasn’t big enough to see yet (this didn’t sound right because I knew exactly the first day of my last period) or my body only thought I was pregnant and prepared everything for a baby (this sounded too cruel of my body to do to me so I didn’t want to believe it) or I was having a miscarriage (this seemed to be the correct diagnosis) or it was a tubal pregnancy (something she kept saying was a worst-case scenario).

They couldn’t tell me for sure, so she just repeated this information a couple of times. I would need to go the appointment I had set up to see if this certain blood count went up.

I had to wait a few more minutes to leave, so they could get more information from me and take my IV out.

Ian pulled around to pick me up. His eyes were red. He took the news to mean there was still a chance the baby could be OK. This is not how I took the news. He wanted me to be positive. I wonder now if I caused this with my negative-ass attitude. It was never my intention to be negative, just to have realistic expectations. I’m 35, overweight; this was my first pregnancy, and I was on birth control for over a decade. These things happen.

I didn’t know what to feel that night, but I do know that I am very dependent on Ian. At the time, I really didn’t feel like talking to or seeing anyone else.

We decided he’d still go to work the next day because he didn’t want to make a bad impression at the new job he’d been able to find when his income stopped due to the virus.

I went to sleep and woke up around 6 a.m. to pee the next morning. When I wiped, there was quite a bit of blood that had clots in it. It was at that point I felt sure that I was having a miscarriage.

I woke Ian up around 7 to tell him. I was crying.

He did go to work but after he explained the situation to his boss, he was able to come home for the day.

I called the nice nurse from the day before. She understood why I thought I was having a miscarriage. She said she would speak to the doctor and get back with me.

A few years ago, I wrote a novel during the National Novel Writing Month. It’s not very good. I bring it up because in that novel, the main character has a miscarriage. I always wondered if I got it right.

I don’t think I did. At least not for me. It isn’t as dramatic as I made it physically. At least not all at once. We ate junk and watched tv, and I continued to have a miscarriage. It was a slow, marginally painful process in which I cramped and bled for a week, much like a period. After I told my doctor in the morning that I felt I was miscarrying, that was the worst day. For about an hour, it was kind of like a traumatic horror film. I was able to see the bulk of the fetus. I don’t know why I didn’t expect that. My body quite literally rejected the pregnancy.

The other part I got wrong is this ferocious connection I thought I’d have with the baby. I don’t think I let myself do that because I was too worried something would go wrong. I don’t know if that ended up being a good thing or bad thing.

It’s not that I’m not sad. I am. I’m very sad. Sadder than I thought I would be, but it’s not for the reasons I thought.

I’m sad for Ian. He was so excited. I know he will want to try again. I know it disappointed him when I told him I wasn’t sure, or that I at least didn’t want to talk about that yet. I know I disappointed him that I didn’t have hope after they told me there wasn’t anything showing in the ultrasound.

I’m sad because I know so many people that are close to me who are expecting happy, healthy babies. Their milestones sting. Seeing the ultrasound of someone else’s healthy baby felt like a punch in the gut and knowing I can’t be as happy as I should be for those people also makes me sad.

I’m sad for my parents. I know they wish they could help in some way. I know they were excited for me to have a baby.

I feel guilty. I feel like I could have handled the pregnancy better emotionally, had a better attitude, prepared my body for it better.

Weirdly, I’m embarrassed. I don’t want to have to tell people that I didn’t host a baby well enough to get it past 8 weeks. I even felt embarrassed to write that.

On May 2, I added more flour, more water to the sourdough starter and then did it again the next day.

Right after the miscarriage, if I was left alone with my thoughts for too long, I would spiral into sadness.  I started recognizing this pattern, so I would create random chores to keep myself busy. Give the dog a bath. Clean the toilet. Mow the lawn.

In between all, knowing that I failed in some way. The logical part of me knows that this is just “one of those things,” but most of me thinks I screwed it up. I also have a sense of guilt for not being sympathetic enough to people I’ve known who have had a miscarriage. I should have been better to them.

I continued adding starter for 2 weeks and then on May 16, I dumped half of it in the trash. I watched as the floury globs splashed on top of other discarded trash, dripping down the sides of the bag. The jar couldn’t hold the starter anymore. It wasn’t healthy. It had to be discarded. It seemed like such a waste.

On May 17, I added more flour, more water.

Sadness can best be described as a dull, nagging loneliness that comes out of nowhere. Then a tug of curiosity if I’ll get pregnant again, or if I’m too scared to even want to be pregnant again. I talk about the miscarriage a lot, and I think I get on people’s nerves. Or that people think I should move on. And I have. But it’s always there, unlike the sourdough starter, which I ended up discarding again. Maybe it’s just not time for me to keep something alive other than myself.

Photo at the top of the page: “miscarriage” by kouk is licensed with CC BY 2.0. To view a copy of this license, visit https://creativecommons.org/licenses/by/2.0/

Water

https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Mississippi_River_from_Eunice,_Arkansas.jpg

If you’re ever on the campus of the University of Minnesota, peek over the Washington Avenue Bridge. It’s about 70 feet down to the Mississippi. When I studied American poetry there, it would occasionally come up that the great John Berryman had ended his life by jumping off that bridge.

I remember a visiting poet—one I admired—giving a reading at the Weisman Museum. Celebrated architect Frank Gehry designed the Weisman, with its abstract, cascading turrets, to look like the famous river. From that building, only steps from where Berryman died, the visiting poet made a joke about jumping off the bridge. I remember finding it not funny.

A number of American Indians punished serious crimes by making the guilty person live near but not interact with the tribe. They were allowed to work and contribute to society, but everyone was to act like they weren’t even there. I have felt this way before, when I was deeply depressed.

In his famous commencement speech, David Foster Wallace tells his version of a joke in which an older fish asks a younger one, “How’s the water?” And the younger fish says, “What the hell is water?’’ There are variations, some converted into didactic stories, and maybe you have already heard some. Wallace uses his version to set up the end of his speech, where he repeats “this is water.” In other words, stop focusing on where you’re trying to go.

I got the feeling, in that moment, that water stood for life, for everything in it, for the words of his speech, for the proverbial present moment, for the life-giving power of inspiring words and, more generally, critical thought. It stood for so many things, clearly. It was beautiful.

At the end of his famous “To be or not to be” speech, Hamlet says, “Soft you now, the fair Ophelia,” meaning “Shhh, the beautiful Ophelia is on her way.”

As everyone knows, the human body contains about 60% water. When I poked around a little, I learned from H.H. Mitchell that the brain and heart are composed of 73% water. Our skin, stretched around our bodies like land around the Earth, is actually 64% water. The lungs from which we breathe? 83% water. 

More than 80% of the Earth’s ocean remains unexplored. Most of it is deep and dark and uninhabitable.

I cried while watching Pixar’s Soul, a magical film centered on what we’re doing on this Earth. In a bit of a twist, the film combats the default advice that one must discover one’s purpose. I don’t know if that was part of its “purpose” as a film, probably not, but it does make clear that life isn’t about “finding a purpose.” Life is about living, about the taste of greasy pizza, about the helicopter-like seeds that fall from maple trees, about the turnstiles of New York subways. It’s just about the water all around us.

On the west end of the Washington Avenue bridge is a tree where hundreds of sneakers hang. It’s a remarkable site, but it isn’t clear why it exists, why people decided to throw their shoes into the tree over the river.

As a matter of fact, the fish story is told in Soul, and it goes like this:

I heard this story about a fish, he swims up to an older fish and says: “I’m trying to find this thing they call the ocean.” “The ocean?” the older fish says, “that’s what you’re in right now.” “This,” says the young fish, “this is water. What I want is the ocean!”

I suffer from major depressive disorder, and in 2019 I had to take FMLA from my job to get help. One of the hardest parts for me was the recurring thought, “My god, I am crazy. I am literally in a mental hospital.” This was the story I was telling myself.

And then there is this, from Virginia Woolf’s The Waves:

I am the foam that sweeps and fills the uttermost rims of the rocks with whiteness; I am also a girl, here in this room.

Water, water everywhere, but not a drop to drink.

I had been driving around looking for a high enough bridge. I had to admit to someone that I needed clinical help. I had to surrender my shoelaces and drink bad coffee and talk about what was going so terribly wrong in my life. But I didn’t jump in the water.

Many people regard The Waves as Virginia Woolf’s masterpiece. Talking about this book, she said, “I am writing to a rhythm and not to a plot.”

A survey by the CDC revealed that suicide rates, which had already been spiking in recent years, were two times higher in June 2020 than in 2018. COVID made a tragic situation even harder.

Tears are more than salt water. The ones that form in our eyes from dryness or allergies contain different chemicals from those we shed from sadness or loss or grieving. Emotional tears contain protein-based hormones prolactin, adrenocorticotropic hormones, and leu-enkephalin. Leu-enkephalin is a painkiller.

Crying is a type of water that heals us. 

Right at the beginning of the pandemic, a friend of mine took her life. I am not ready to talk about it.

Take me to the river, goes the song, drop me in the water.

In literary circles, people like to talk about William Faulkner’s famous five-word chapter that reads “my mother is a fish.” I do remember when I read the book. It was the summer following my matriculation from undergrad, and I had my own mother’s copies of Faulkner.

Not a literature major, she did not understand most of Faulkner, and her marginalia was a reminder that most nonliterary people are not as enamored by cryptic five-word paragraphs with heavy symbolism as English majors. Throughout “The Sound and the Fury,” the most common scribble in her copy is “Who’s talking?”

I don’t always know. Who’s talking, that is. I can’t always tell. Inside my brain, there is a voice, a ventriloquist called Depression, that says things in my voice.

Virginia Woolf was a depressive. In the early spring of 1941, she filled her pockets with stones and walked into the River Ouse.

Soul has an amazing scene that feels like a depiction of depression—forgive me, I am prone to symbolic interpretations—as [spoiler alert] 22 experiences being a “lost soul.” 22, a friendly ghosting bouncing blob with a handful of humorous but misanthropic personality traits, has now seen what it’s like to live in a body and, in my view, experience “failure.” It leaves 22 in a far country, separated from all others, a dark, unfamiliar landscape all around.

I am reminded of the plaintive cry ubi sunt? from many a medieval poem. This affected me when I first read it in an early Anglo-Saxon poem “The Wanderer.” From the Latin, the full phrase is ubi sunt qui ante nos fuerunt? It means “Where are they who came before us?”

This is the darkest condition of human life, in my opinion. The wanderer, lone-dweller, earth-stepper asks ubi sunt? when he has become separated from his people, who have died in past battles, and he is left to walk his life alone.

I can’t help but think of Socrates as well, who chooses the hemlock rather than separation from Athens, from his people, from his identity.

The Church denied Ophelia a Christian burial. Some scholars believe that this is because suicide in Shakespeare’s time was punished so severely. The suicide would be tried posthumously, and their possessions would be taken from the family as property of the realm.

Who’s talking?

In 1908 New Jersey became the first state to use chlorine to disinfect water. Thousands of other cities followed suit over the next decade. Clean drinking water drastically reduced the spread of disease in the United States, especially cholera and typhoid, which devastated populations around the world.

I know all this because I was reading about COVID-19 on the CDC website. The organization had named the chlorination of water one the greatest achievements of 20th century medicine.

Sometimes, after a perfect moment, a perfect vista and sunset, I think to myself, “I couldn’t possibly have another drop.”

David Foster Wallace suffered from depression throughout his adult life and eventually died by his own hand. This is water, he repeated in his speech, this is water.

Once, when I was in a particularly dark battle with depression, my father told me, “just keep swimming.” He had been watching Finding Nemo with his grandchildren.

Ubi sunt can be found in medieval Persian poetry as well, as in The Rubaiyat:

In the workshop of a potter I went last night
I saw two thousand pots speaking and silent.
Suddenly one pot raised a cry:
Where are they, the potter, and the pot-buyer, and the pot-seller?

Depression is like this, isolating, alienating. It is a far country—and though we tend not to identify as deeply with our culture sharers as the Anglo-Saxons or Greeks—it often feels like we belong to no one, that we are a burden to even our closest friends and family. Ubi sunt? The ocean so large and unpopulated, so deep and dark.

Why is it so beautiful, this “Ophelia” by John William Waterhouse?

Keep swimming.

Nietzsche writes about how lucky animals are for their short memories. Because of this, he imagines cows being especially unconcerned with matters of regret or trauma. Like the goldfish in the joke who is always saying “oh look a castle” and just as this triggers another memory it is distracted, “oh look a castle!”

The stories we tell ourselves are the reality we perceive. Depression, for those who suffer from it, pushes a narrative that life is meaningless and hopeless, that we are fundamentally alone in the world.

I am not going to talk about that. This essay is not about that.

Oh look, a castle! My god, so beautiful.

Photo at the top of the page: https://commons.wikimedia.org/wiki/File:Mississippi_River_from_Eunice,_Arkansas.jpg 

What is College For?

https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rutgers_University#/media/File:Clock_on_the_campus_of_Rutgers_University_(2012).jpg

A few days ago, I received a group email sent to the surviving members of my undergraduate college class announcing—boasting—that the class gift from our sixtieth reunion had been the primary contribution for a golf training facility at Rutgers University. A photograph of the plaque honoring our support accompanied the message.

According to a press release celebrating the Class of 1957 Training Center:

The state-of-the-art, two-room facility features indoor putting space with Envyscapes turf and a hitting bay with Swing Catalyst technology, allowing student-athletes from both teams to train year-round. “This is a game changer for our student-athletes to be able to train right where they live,” said men’s head coach Rob Shutte . . . “On behalf of the entire men’s golf team, we can’t thank the supporters enough who made this facility a reality.”

The nature of that class gift and the pride with which it was offered fed into my ongoing ponderings about the purpose of college, a subject much debated at a time of Covid-19, when many campuses have turned to remote teaching, when many colleges worry about survival, when many current students resent and even sue over the high tuition for online learning, and when many graduates and dropouts complain about the lifetime burden of college debt and low-paying jobs.

During the many years I was an idealistic academic faculty member, I would have shaken my head at such a class gift, wondering what golf had to do with a college education. Now I’m not so sure. Was the real reason for sitting in classrooms, passing exams, and writing papers for four years the ability to devote future decades to lingering on the links? Not that my fellow students could even have imagined such a future in our youth.

I realize that my classmates and I—those of us lucky enough to still be alive in our mid-eighties—enjoyed a very different college experience from that of later and current generations. We coveted tweeds and foulards, turned out papers on manual typewriters, made calls from payphones, and rarely owned our own cars, not even expecting to. And at Rutgers College in the mid 1950s, we were all male. Women attended Douglas College a few miles across town, making a welcome presence at Saturday-night fraternity parties, even though they had to be back in their dorms for a midnight curfew.

We also represented a small percentage of high school graduates, among the less than ten percent who completed college at the time. (By 2019, the rate was thirty-five percent.) Many of us came from working class families with little spare income. Fortunately, tuition was low, and some—like me—had scholarships. For a number of my friends, that scholarship and summer and part-time jobs covered all our expenses. We graduated with no debt.

Not only that, but job opportunities were aplenty. It was a peak of the post-war economy with burgeoning management positions and a competition by businesses to fill them with college-educated people, primarily male. My classmates ended up with very successful careers, the majority who did not become doctors or lawyers retiring after years in upper management of large corporations. The sons of blue-collar fathers gravitated into the upper middle class. They lived—and continue to live—the good life, many with second homes that became the sites of their retirement, in a number of cases just a few steps from a golf course.

Those hours on pristine green lawns, focused on sending a small ball into a tiny hole, then back to the club house for a few drinks, and occasionally a few hours later for an evening meal, explain to me the class eagerness to support the golf training center. My classmates were happy to spread the beneficence of their success and the hope that today’s young students will share similar good lives in the future.

And that’s been the dream of students in the decades since we were undergraduates—a version of the American dream. The degree a passport to a good job, a large house, a luxury car, travel, and top-of-the-line golf clubs. While our high school classmates who didn’t attend college earned less, lived in smaller homes, drove ordinary cars, traveled more locally, and bowled instead of golfed, they still owned those homes and cars, paid their bills, and prepared their children for the aspirations of college.

Then the economy changed. Well-paid manufacturing jobs began to vanish. Workers became commodities in the drive to maximize corporate profits, victims of management decisions that may have been made on a golf course. Rather than an option, college became a necessity. Without a degree, you could kiss your future good-bye. The statistics are well known—the increasing gap in lifetime earning of those with and without college, the lower rates of marriage and higher of divorce, the greater chance of unemployment, the debt, depression, and drug overdoses.

For millions of young people that’s what the purpose of college had become, winning in a zero-sum game, all or nothing. But even that no longer holds with unaffordable tuition, accumulated debt, lower salaries, with jobs that were once held by high school graduates—that displaced group dropping even further down on the social and economic scale.

More and more today it’s being asked if college is worth it, if instead our society could provide more efficient and effective alternatives to gain skills for well-paid jobs and even long-term careers.

I consider the dilemma from a perspective quite different from that of economists and politicians. My classmates’ golf gift led me to think about my life in comparison with theirs, even though we shared a very similar undergraduate experience sitting in the same classrooms. Many of them got better grades—probably because they were smarter. The degree of my difference took several years to occur to me.

In addition to being a non-golfer, I’ve ended up living a life much unlike that of my classmates, though I started out like them immediately after graduation when I accepted an offer to become an advertising and sales trainee at General Electric in Schenectady, New York. That’s where I had my one and only adventure on a golf course, the Edison Club for management employees. With borrowed clubs, I churned divots in the green and whacked balls into the rough.

But it wasn’t this humiliation that made me decide within a few months I didn’t want a career as a corporate executive. I surprised myself by deciding to do something that had never occurred to me as an undergraduate student. I would apply to graduate schools, unsure of whether any would want me. It turned out to be my good luck to get into one that allowed me to immerse in Modernism while writing fiction, ending up with the degree for a career as an English professor.

My income ended up being far less than that of my successful classmates, but I can’t complain. Money isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Still, I acknowledge that in comparison to them I’m an oddball, having developed a very different assumption of what college is all about.

Taking an image from Tristram Shandy, I was one of a small group of those riding our hobby horse of obsession with books and ideas, cramming new volumes onto overloaded shelves, quoting lines and passages, parsing insights. My faculty colleagues and I labored under the delusion that the world shared our egghead perspectives, that our true mission was to lead our students into sharing our obsessions.

Some of those students may have considered us with a benign amusement, like watching kitten videos. A few may have been momentarily awed during office visits, as in, “Did you read all those books?” At fraternity parties, in my day, we sang ribald songs about our professors, affectionately mocking their mannerisms. But we did our assignments without complaint. Now, in this era of grade inflation, a good number of students seethe at faculty they consider unfair in their assignments and grading policies.

Several years ago, I had an illumination when watching episodes of a Showtime documentary series that followed a group of freshmen at the University of Texas—Austin, supposedly the most selective of that state’s public institutions.  It may be the results of those who edited hours of footage, but this group of eighteen-year-olds talked of nothing but parties and whether he or she really liked me, moaning over unrequited crushes and dateless Saturday nights. Not once did one say something like, “I really had this great lecture on Jung’s collective unconscious.”

But it wasn’t like that when I was an undergraduate. In addition to the drive of hormones, my contemporaries in their pre-golfing days could discuss a book or debate an idea. I recall sharing notes with a friend taking a political theory course where we read whole books by Plato, Aristotle, Machiavelli, Hobbes, Locke, Rousseau, and a few others. Overall, most of us were aware of what we should know, authors we should have read, ideas we should know about, a bit guilty that we didn’t.

Yet as much as I was eager to learn, I was easily distracted, more drawn by hanging out with friends, extracurricular activities, falling in love, falling out of love, going to movies, decorating fraternity floats, reporting for the campus paper, listening to music, playing cards, watching occasional TV.

But maybe that wasn’t so terrible.  Perhaps the real purpose of college for us, whether we knew it or not, was to enable us to grow up and become adults. More than information gained, fulfilling course requirements taught us focus and discipline. Interacting with a variety of people brought us lifelong friendships and appreciation of others, the ability to get along. These are the attributes that helped my classmates succeed in their professions and earn the luxury of golf.

Defenders of an education in the liberal arts have long emphasized the path to greater critical thinking and problem-solving. That too has been important for their high earning. And I’ve also noted a generalization I can make about most who have gone to college, even those who sailed through with minimal effort. They possess a fuller sense of systems, how things connect, than many who did not attend. They are better able to cope with the world around them.

The experience of living on campus or in housing near campus, having to manage your young life without relying on parents, served as a crucial step to self-reliant maturity. College was a rite of passage.

It still is for some, or will be again when Covid-19 is behind us. But those some are no longer young people like me, emerging from a blue-collar world. College—the campus experience—costs far too much for offspring of the shrinking middle class, just about impossible for those of the working class. College perpetuates and exacerbates the growing income and social gap so destructive to American society. It’s doubtful that I and a large number of my golfing classmates would be able to attend today, certainly not living on campus with minimal part-time jobs, filling their days and nights with socializing and occasional study, preparing for a future of fulfilling careers and the good life. Or ending up as an oddball egghead with book-crammed shelves.

The educational experience of the future is likely to be very different from mine and even from that of recent years. College is likely to play a shrinking role with the emphasis on developing specific occupational skills for the workforce. That has been the tendency of many existing universities, closing down majors in philosophy and history, minimizing literature to focus on basic writing. Who can afford to devote hours to discussing books and ideas when the accumulation of practical abilities is what matters to prepare for the world of work, when employers demand those abilities?

Writing in Inc, Parul Gupta, co-founder of Springboard, a provider of online courses, predicts that “Tangible skills will replace credentials, and learning will be lifelong.” She predicts a continuation of remote education taught by mentors who are professionals and hiring managers in touch with the demands of the workforce. Instruction will be personalized, and students will learn at their own pace with individualized feedback. “The next-generation of higher education,” she proposes, “will be designed to teach the needed ‘on the job’ skills, as well as provide opportunities for real-world experience.”

Oren Cass, executive director of American Compass, an anti-market conservative group, writing in The New York Times, argues that much of the $150 billion spent on public subsidies to college students every year is wasted because only a fraction of young people even complete college, many of those needing additional “trade school” to qualify for a job. He calls for half of the $150 billion to be transferred from higher education to “programs that foster employer-trainee relationships.”

Even though Gupta and Cass represent particular social and political perspectives, they share some basic assumption with many university administrators seeking long-term survival of their institutions. A future competition may break out between those hoping to preserve their campus environments and those businesses happy to provide skills instruction to remote students from far-flung keyboards.

What I enjoyed during my four undergraduate years is likely to become a luxury.  Except for the occasional athletes who bring in sports revenue, the residential college experience will be limited to the already privileged, progeny of parents at home on the soft turf of golf courses, sons and daughters perfecting their inherited swings and putts in a state-of-the-art training facility.

I wonder when our society achieves a point where the affluent are all under par and the rest are relegated to mastering skills for gainful employment, if we won’t have lost something indefinably vital.  Those completing what may still be called higher education will no longer receive even minimal exposure to the likes of Plato, Aristotle, Locke, Adam Smith, Dickens, Austen, Woolf, Toni Morrison, Confucius, Lao Tzu, Kierkegaard, Keats, Keynes, and Shakespeare.

That lament may be my sentimental throwback to Matthew Arnold’s “the best that has been thought and said.” Much more troubling for the larger society is the threat of an exacerbated class gap, an educated few manipulating a majority of worker bees, men and women shaped to fill slots determined by those who decide which skills should be the primary subjects of a corporate or university training system. It would be a different sort of throwback, in this case to a version of the assembly line, one without time clocks but workers still relegated to roles as functionaries.

 

Photo at the top of the page: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Rutgers_University#/media/File:Clock_on_the_campus_of_Rutgers_University_(2012).jpg