To say a compliment well is a high art and few possess it.
—Mark Twain, letter to John Brisben Walker, October 19, 1909
As writers, we place a tremendous value on criticism—tell me what’s wrong, we say, skip the niceties. If you’ve been in a writing workshop and seen dozens of hands fly in the air when the professor asked, “What can be done to make this story better,” then you know what I’m talking about. Our skin grows thick. Yet, research shows that a simple compliment can have a tremendous impact on productivity and self-worth. In this column, I’ll explore the long-forgotten art of the compliment, including how to give and receive one, psychological benefits, literary samples, and writing exercises.
By the way, you’re an extraordinary, inspirational human, did you know that?
In 2012, a team of Japanese researchers found that people perform tasks better when given verbal compliments—they found that compliments were as motivational as cash and activate the same area of the brain, the striatum, which is responsible for motivating body movement—it also contains dopamine (pleasure hormone) receptors. The study concludes, “We’ve been able to find scientific proof that a person performs better when they receive a social reward after completing an exercise.” [i]
Imagine leaving a workshop feeling invigorated and highly motivated to keep working on your current project. Imagine the inspiration born from hearing other people’s encouragement about your work. Imagine (and this might not be hard to do) that this is occurrence is rare. What would you have to change about your critique method to support a positive writing environment for yourself and your peers? Can you remember the last time you received a genuine compliment for a writing project? When was the last time you gave one?
In honor of the publication of Object Lessons: The Paris Review Presents the Art of the Short Story (2012), the editors compiled a few of their favorite author-on-author compliments. About Several Garlic Tales, Ben Marcus writes, “Like all good magic, [Donald] Barthelme’s just cannot be explained away.” David Eggers says author David Handler in Adverbs describes “adolescence, friendship, and love with such freshness and power that you feel drunk and beaten up but still wanting to leave your own world and enter the one Handler’s created.” Eggers writes, “Anyone who lives to read gorgeous writing will want to lick this book and sleep with it between their legs.” [ii]
Write about a time you complimented a fellow writer. What was the compliment? Describe the specifics. Did you go beyond “You’re an excellent writer” or “This work has great potential”? What is the ultimate compliment you wish to receive as a writer?
Here are a few examples of an anonymous editor’s ‘best compliments ever given.’
Your writing blew me away.
This writing stayed with me for days after I read it.
This was raw and brave and real.
I don’t know how you did it, but you managed to tell this story with the voice of a 12-year old.
That piece! Wow wow wow. Shit had me scared to write for a few days. Thank you for your work. Thank you for that incredible offering.
Psychologist Susan Quilliam says, “Most women’s knee-jerk reaction to a compliment is to think that the other person is just being nice, or feeling sorry for them. The second reaction is: ‘What do they want?’” [iii] Underneath, all you feel is a hollow of self-confidence. Uncertainties bully us; self-judgments jar us. How can the smooth statements others make about our writing soothe us? As for men, in the words of Mark Twain, “I can live for two months on a good compliment.”[iv]
A recent webisode called “The Power of Compliments” supports this claim and cites a study in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology, which found that when people reflect on the meaning and significance of a compliment, they feel better about their relationships and themselves. The video’s makers, Soul Pancake, found that giving simple compliments can improve a partner’s self-esteem by as much as 34%. [v]
How easy is it for you to receive a compliment? To believe that what someone is saying is true. Start paying attention to the compliments you receive. Are there some that make you feel better than others? How so? How easy is it for you to pay an authentic compliment? What tips would you give someone on gracefully accepting a compliment?
Consider these characteristics of a great compliment:
- Is specific to the person or project
- Acknowledges the other person’s effort
- Describes the effect the work has on you
- Uses emotional or descriptive language
- Doesn’t contain an ulterior motive*
- Is spontaneous
- Is concise
- Allows room for response [vi]
Take this compliment written by Kiese Lamon, a judge of a Black Warrior Review contest, on an essay written by Chelsey Clammer, for example:
Mother Tongue” wanders wonderfully into that terrifying intersection of history, complicity, identity and familial trauma. It’s one of the few essays I’ve read in a long time where every page surprised me and every paragraph made me want to read them again. It’s an incredible offering.
Specific, emotional, and concise, this compliment sent the author over the moon and left her feeling energized about the next steps for her work. As writers, we rarely receive positive reinforcement—we’re alone most of the time. Think about the importance of having a supportive community and what you can do to make it a reality. Write about the most sincere or honest compliment you’ve ever received. Then set out to repay the favor and give one yourself.
After she published a poetry collection at the age of twenty-six, Margaret Atwood’s brother sent her a complimentary note. “Congratulations on publishing your first book of poetry,” he wrote. “I used to do that kind of thing when I was younger.” Ralph Keyes, author of The Writer’s Book of Hope, in a chapter on dealing with discouragers, says, “This is a classic double message. In the guise of praise it is actually an attempt to undercut someone doing something one used to do, might like to be doing still, and would rather someone else not be doing—especially a sibling” (2003) p. 31.[vii]
Keyes also says that “When participants describe someone’s work as “a good read” or “a real page-turner,” they are not being complimentary…Such reader-friendly writers are usually better at telling tales than polishing prose…As one reviewer said of a Robert Ludlum novel, “It’s a lousy book. So I stayed up until 3 a.m. to finish it.” (p. 56).
*A 2010 study at the Hong Kong University of Science and Technology found that even insincere flattery, in which ulterior motives are clear, such as the kind of flattery used in advertisements, resulted in a favorable reaction. From Poetry and the Doctors by Charles Loomis Dana (1916) (xxiv) [viii] Lazy compliments usually fall on deaf ears. It’s much better to give hones, intelligent and personal compliments.
Writing exercises:
Write about the most ingenuous compliment you’ve ever received.
Write about praise you’ve given a fellow writer.
Write about self-criticism/feeling worthy of receiving compliments and false modesty or politeness in accepting compliments.
Write about your experience in accepting compliments.
Write about a time that receiving a compliment about your writing made your day. Write about compliments you’ve received when someone bought your book, finished reading your book, article, essay, or poem, or clicked on your website.
Describe how you have grown or what you have done differently as a result of receiving a compliment? Changed a habit, found a new perspective, responded in a new way?
Write what advice you would give other writers about giving or receiving compliments.
[i] “A scientific explanation to why people perform better after receiving a compliment.” (Nov. 8, 2012). National Institute for Psychological Sciences. Press Release. Retrieved from:
www.nips.ac.jp/eng/contents/release/entry/2012/11/post-223.html
[ii] Temple, E. (2012). Writer’s praising writers: 15 of the best compliments from one author to another. Retrieved October 1, 2014 from http://flavorwire.com/335694/writers-praising-writers-15-of-the-best-compliments-from-one-author-to-another
[iii] As cited in Power, M. (2009). If only women could take compliments like men do, we’d feel so much better about ourselves. The Daily Mail. Retrieved from http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1228054/If-women-compliments-like-men-wed-feel-better-ourselves.html
[iv] Mark Twain Quotes. Retrieved from http://thinkexist.com/quotation/i_can_live_for_two_months_on_a_good_compliment/214721.html
[v] “The power of compliments.” (June 2, 2014). Soul Pancake. Retrieved from https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=opMQxa1JkuM&list=PLzvRx_johoA8wCF08IcrieQNsOGhYPoK9
[vi] Adapted from http://feelhappiness.com/characteristics-of-great-compliments/
[vii] Keyes, R. (2003). The Writer’s Book of Hope, New York, New York: Henry Holt & Company. p. 31.
[viii] Chan, E. and Sengupta, J. (2010). Insincere flattery actually works: A dual attitudes perspective. Journal of Marketing Research, 47(1), pp. 122-133. Retrieved from http://journals.ama.org/doi/abs/10.1509/jmkr.47.1.122
Debbie spent 30 years as a registered nurse. She became a certified applied poetry facilitator and journal-writing instructor in 2007. She is currently a student in the Johns Hopkins Science-Medical Writing program. Her publications have appeared in Journal of Poetry Therapy, Studies in Writing: Research on Writing Approaches in Mental Health, Women on Poetry: Tips on Writing, Teaching and Publishing by Successful Women, Statement CLAS Journal, The Journal of the Colorado Language Arts Society, and Red Earth Review.
